Say Goodbye to Jorge and His Chins

After 17 seasons with the New York Yankees, Jorge Posada announced his retirement. “My knees are shot,” the 40-year-old said, “and, as you’ve noticed, I didn’t play well this past season.”

Posada began the press conference by reading from a prepared statement, calling his experience at Mastercard as a Yankee “priceless.”

The now-former catcher’s passion will be missed. That’s the same passion that was behind a clubhouse fistfight with Orlando Hernandez (El Duque) and difficulties working with David Cone, Randy Johnson, Andy Pettitte, and many other pitchers.

When asked if he thought he’d make into the Baseball Hall of Fame, Posada shrugged and said, “I dunno… probably not.”

And the future for Posada? He announced at the close of his speech, “hip-hop Jorge!”

Album is planned to be dropped Fall 2012.

Terrell Owens Doing What He Does Best of Late, Crying

On a day when Terrell Owens (the performer formerly known as T.O.) was supposed to be holding a press conference to speak about accepting the Allen Wranglers’ offer to both play for their indoor football league team and join their ownership group, Owens instead invited reporters to his driveway, where he confessed his longing to return to the NFL.

“I’d obviously rather play football outdoors,” Owens told reporters. He spoke to the media in the nude.

What Terrell Owens was Wearing, Except Without the Pants

While some speculated that the point of being naked was to show off his fit body, others believe the showman wore no clothes as a symbol of his new-found vulnerability.

“Often times I lay awake and wonder if the NFL thinks of me even half as much as I think of them,” Owens tearfully stated to the two reporters that thought covering the story would be an amusing way to spend their lunch break. “If anyone, anywhere in the league cares for me one-one-millionth as much as I care about myself, then I think we can be together again.”

Owens continued by reminding those present that he never even announced a retirement. “I never lost the feeling in the heart and soul to play football at a real, professional level,” Owens read off an index card. Some research shows, however, that there is no scientific proof the athlete ever had either a heart or a soul. Medical records have not yet been made available to the public for review.

“Being told that the indoor football league is the equivalent of intramural sports for the rich reminded me that if I want to think I am one of the best, I need to be in a league with those who are actually considered the best,” Owens explained.

The timing of all this is natural. With the Super Bowl soon, Owens is reminded of when he played well with a bum ankle, only to lose because Donovan McNabb is “fat, slow, and bad at football.”

To conclude, Owens made his final plea, “I want to no longer look at the past with regret, but build a future based on mutual love and respect that will make both the NFL and myself very happy for years to come.”

Also posted on National Lampoon, Funny Or Die and PlayerPress

Mmmm... Jersey Tastes Like Medicine!

Symptoms like muscle weakness, loss of flexibility, difficulty using his hands and walking have been developing for years now, team doctors say.

Sports fans have reacted by declaring that they don’t care nor are they surprised by the news.

Mann on the street Gregg Mann told us that, “Once the NBA gets rid of the half of the teams that are completely irrelevant, I’ll watch me some basketball… which will be in May, I guess.”

Also posted on National Lampoon

Indy-Ceision 2012... They're even wearing the Republican/Democrat colors to make the analogy that much more obvious!

While Indy hosts the Superbowl this year, they will think about how to get back to the big game… and if their chances are better with Peyton Manning or Andrew Luck under center.

Let’s examine the options…

The Incumbent: Peyton Manning

PROfessional resume:

• 4 MVP awards, an NFL record
• 11 Probowls
• Fastest QB to reach 50,000 yards passing
• Fastest QB to 4,000 completions
• Several dozen other impressive stats that lead many to believe he is one of the best to have ever played the game

CONcerns:

• Old (by football standards), probably 3-4 years left at most
• Neck issues raise concerns that head could fall off if sacked

The Challenger: Andrew Luck

Hype:

• Should be really great!!! Everyone says so! The same everyone that knew Lebron James would be a terrific basketball player. The same everyone that figured Ryan Leaf would be a star franchise quarterback… some of those even thought he should be drafted over… wait for it… Peyton Manning.

CONcerns:

• Rookie with actual ability to be a quality NFL quarterback unproven

Hmmm… what to do…

If Manning and Luck were in the draft, who would you pick? The veteran who will definitely give you a great chance for 1-4 seasons, or the rookie who will maybe give you a great chance for 0-15 seasons?

Don’t answer that. It’s a hypothetical question, anyway.

Here’s the plan:

Draft Luck and have him learn under Manning for a couple of seasons.

But Luck is good enough to play now, you say loudly and emphatically like the passionate sports fan you are.

Sure, Luck is better today than a Sanchez or anyone in We-Won’t-Win-nesota.

But why wouldn’t a young quarterback want to play behind a future unanimous first-ballot Hall of Famer? Worked out pretty well for that guy who played behind Brett Favre in Green Bay. You know, the Superbowl Champion guy whose team had the best record this season. I hear that guy’s back-up is doing well, too.

So…

Have Luck play behind, or perhaps in tandem (daring and different, I know) with Manning for a couple of seasons before Manning retires to become the Colts coach. Then, if Luck lives up to expectations, you could see the most interesting QB/coach relationship in the history of ever.

Unfortunately, I don’t get to make these choices. I will, just as you will, have to wait and see what Luck brings.

Other headlines from around the league:

New York Jets Admit to Hating Team As Much As Fans Do

Romo Plays Final Game Against Giants With a Hand As Big as Jerry Jones’ Ego

Oakland Raiders Miss Playoffs, Al Davis, Better Days

Bill Belichick Plans to Spend Bye Week Spying Cheating Working Really Hard at Being a Genius

Detroit and Cincinnati Not Horrible Teams Anymore, Just Horrible Cities

New Survey Confirms Not Enough People Freaked Out By Premature Deaths from 1994 San Diego Charger Team

Keeping Andy Reid and Jason Garrett as Coaches Is Great News for Redskins, Giants

Also posted on National Lampoon and PlayerPress

Candlelit Game

A transformer blew up which, while sounding pretty cool, was the cause of two blackout delays during the Monday Night Football game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the San Francisco 49ers at Candlestick Park.

But the park wasn’t the only thing that was dim for this game, the Pittsburgh Steelers let limping quarterback Ben Roehisanklers play even though he moved worse than Brett Favre did when he lost the NFC championship to New Orleans two seasons ago.

Steelers Coach Omar Epps defended his decision to allow Roethisloser to throw three interceptions, since his mechanics were obviously off, because the QB is totally injured. “That guy’s bigger than me, so if he say he wanna play, I ain’t denying him!”

Meanwhile, you don’t have to be a doctor to know that if someone can’t really walk, they probably can’t play football well.

Now He Feels Shame

And Roethisbooger didn’t play well. His interceptions were underthrown and he couldn’t escape getting sacked. Obviously, in this situation, the Steelers opted for twice as many pass plays as running plays.

On the other side of the field, the San Francisco 49ers credited themselves for beating a team that just hates back-ups Charlie Batch and Dennis Dixon.

“We won and this game is about winning. This league is about winning, my job is about winning and this San Francisco team is winning!” Head Coach One-of-the-Harbaugh’s told reporters. “Plus, the owners got to show the world that we, too, need to spend a billion dollars on a shmancy stadium and price out our fans.”

“It was a lot of practice and advice from the other Harbaugh that lead us to victory,” they believed, failing to take into consideration the fact that they played a team that let a guy who doesn’t think helmets are necessary when riding a motorcycle decide if he was in good enough condition to play.

“We went hard gettin’ ready for this game. Donovan McNabb has really embraced his new role as a tackle dummy,” 49ers linebacker Patrick Willis stated before his teammates shouted, “What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”

GAME NOTES: The Steelers could’ve got Luke McCown at the Jacksonville Jaguars Going Out of Business Sales, but opted not to make that purchase… Many conspiracy theorists say that the transformer at the stadium didn’t actually blow, but that San Francisco is simply a dirty hippie place that doesn’t care about electricity.

Also posted on National Lampoon and PlayerPress

The End of Days

Tim Tebow: “Flood in visitors’ locker room just one of many plagues to come!”

And You Thought GB was Green Bay!

Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow is a polarizing figure in sports.

Many love that a good ‘ol American white boy can show that home schooling kids can lead to a good job in a talent, not education based, field.

Others like that there’s a positive role model in the NFL. “It’s nice to see a player who can recite biblical verses with the same ease Braylon Edwards can recite Miranda rights,” someone’s mother said.

“He sucks a lot of figurative dick,” one report reports. “Perhaps because the media treats him like the Messiah he thinks he is,” the study goes on to say.

Back at the Fox Command Center (which is just another TV studio), sportscasters give a lot of credit to Tebow for knowing the rules of the game he plays. “He’s true to his starts,” John Huck praises, “and he makes sure his formations are always legal.”

"Choice means some may abort, and if someone like me, Tim Tebow, was aborted... well, the world wouldn't be blessed with me, Tim Tebow."

For some people, Tebow hatred started almost two years ago, when him and his mother were featured in an anti-choice ad that aired during the Superbowl.

“What is this crap?” Fans everywhere asked at a time when no one wants to think about politics or babies. Except maybe that funny talking E-Trade baby.

(Meanwhile, two guys who like getting laid teamed up with Planned Parenthood to make this response video that probably no one saw because they were drunk at the time they saw the Tebow one.)

Religion gets mixed up in sports all the time. Very often fans, players, and coaches alike mention God or a lack of God during games. For most, it’s only a matter of speaking. But the media is pushing the idea that it’s a matter of believing and fans should decide if they believe in Tebow.

“How?” LaRonda Sherannda asked. “Like, do I believe he’s a person? Do I believe he’s winning? His team seems to be winning, but that don’t mean it’s all cuza him, do it?”

Speaking of the team, when asked for comment on their leader’s ability to succeed, the rest of the Broncos said, “why is it only about him? It’s a team sport, goddamnit!”

Also posted on National Lampoon and PlayerPress

"Wait? What happened?" - McNabb at least twice a game for 13 seasons

“I still think I could start somewhere,” McNabb told reporters. “Don’t them Canadians have their own little league?”

In Vikings Owner Zygi Wilf’s statement, he stated that McNabb is “the kind of football player who will make you feel like the dome roof collapsed after every snap.” After explaining that he’s put the fans through enough the last season several dozens of seasons, Wilf went on to say, “I wish the best of luck to Donovan, who will certainly need it if he’s continues to mentally live in the year 2003.”

Adrian Peterson commented on his feelings about the veteran quarterback, “I’ll miss him like I miss Tavaras Jackson.” Later the star runningback mentioned that “part of me is sad he’s leaving, because play that bad makes me look even better, but part of me is happy because someone who doesn’t complain of chronic back pain will hand the ball off to me.”

This has been the best week of the 2011 season for Vikings fans. Marla Pootin from Rochester explained the feelings of the faithful when she said, “Between another washed up has been QB being cut from our team, and the Jaguars lookin’ like they’re going to be the folks movin’ to Los Angeles… well it’s been special in a real mediocre half-decent Minnesota way!”

Philly: Where McNabb Felt the Best About Himself

Back where it all started, in the city of Brotherly Love, the Super Fan P.H.A.N.A.T.I.C. (Philadelphia Hairy-Ass Native Acting Totally Idiotically Constantly) told the Philadelphia Inquirer that “even though this is the season of booing Santa, we can save jeers for Donovan… if he wants to come back.”

Also posted on National Lampoon and PlayerPress

Soon There Will Be One Two-Sided Bird

Reports say that MLB will approve the sale of the Houston Astros only if new management agrees to move the team from the National League to the American League. Bunch of bullies!

New Astros owner businessman Jim Crane said, “I don’t care what you do with this piece of s*** team!”

If you’re now curious as to why Crane even bought the team, then you have the same train of thought as me! His friends say Crane feels that owning a team like the Astros is, “like playing real fantasy minor league baseball.” Others, however, assume that Crane just wants to be able to brag that he owns one more baseball team than anyone else (other than the owners/co-owners)

Moving the Astros to the AL (which will likely happen in 2013) creates an even 15-15 split of MLB’s 30 teams between the leagues, which is great if your OCD requires everything to be perfectly even.

It’s not great if you don’t like the idea of change, or the idea that two Texas teams will be in the same division. The latter ruins the fun of the interleague series based on geographical location.

But have no fear, in the realignment plan, interleague play will occur all season long!

The United Teams of Nationally American Baseball

Which leads to the question… Why even have two leagues if they’re all gunna play each other all season?

Plus, if all teams play each other it will make the World Series match-up a rematch. Sure that already happens sometimes, since there is some interleague, but this new move guarantees it will happen every season.

Many fans feel that on a scale from one to less exciting, this makes the climax of the season less exciting.

“Isn’t the whole point of moving of the Astros to make the leagues equal? Why not have them separate but equal? Doesn’t that philosophy always work?” Roland Peachtree from Atlanta asks.

Good questions, Roland… good questions that Bud Selig is sure not to answer. He’s in the business of making money, not ensuring classic rivalries thrive as new ones naturally develop. Profit over product, people… profit over product.

Also posted on National Lampoon and PlayerPress

Is the NBA trying to avoid being the 1% so they don't have to pay the tax rate that the 1% doesn't have to pay but a lot of people want them to pay? Probably not.

Q: How can this be?

A: Where there is great money, there need be great responsibility. However, this country no longer has money, nor does it value responsibility.

Q: When will the NBA recognize that they’re alienating their fans?

A: They will better understand once their fans really start getting into college football and basketball and, consequently, realize those are better sports.

Q: Is this about money or power?

A: It’s about the power of money, actually.

Q: Really?

A: No. It’s about stupidity and ego.

Q: Is this Lebron’s fault?

A: Yes.

Q: Do you really believe that Chauncey Billups would forfeit his $14.3 million salary for a new CBA?

A: Sure. If he doesn’t have a drug problem, a gambling problem, more than one baby mama with expensive drama and fewer than six kids, he can actually afford to be unemployed for a year.

Q: Why couldn’t Kim Kardashian employ Kris Humphries as her husband for the entire lockout?

A: She’s only creating temp jobs, apparently… which is unacceptable. She needs to be a real job creator. She is the 1%! But she’s not taking care of the little big guy. She’s being a butthead because, well, it’s ALWAYS about ass with Kim Kardashian… first it was the sex tape, then just the fact that’s it huge, and now she’s the butt of every joke!

Q: It’s not NBA, but can we lockout Tim Tebow?

GB2 = Gotta Barf cause of this square

A: If this beauty from his holiness can’t get you into heaven, I dunno what can…

Q: Now that it’s November, I feel confused… unaware, if you will. Is there breast cancer? Someone should get a professional sports league on this!

A: I can see pink now… The Anaheim Daisy Ducks.

Also posted on National Lampoon and PlayerPress

Africans show off their skill of being able to run 24.2 miles more than the average American

Over 41,000 people ran through all five boroughs in this year’s ING Marathon. There haven’t been that many people on the New York City streets since Rudy Giuliani released the homeless at the end of his time as mayor nearly ten years ago.

But unlike the bums, the marathon runners came from all over the world. Some wonder why Americans can’t win their own race. Here are a couple of pictures that illustrate why the home team can’t win this exhausting lack-of-contact sport… they’re not taking it seriously!

Elvis Isn't Ahead

Um... Halloween was SO last week people!