NFL Free Agency Bonanza

If your head is still spinning from all of the NFL Free Agency craziness that has happened so far, hold on. There’s still a lot more shuffling around to come.

The biggest move (and I mean that in more ways than one) thus far has been DT Albert Haynesworth being signed for a 7-year, $100 million deal with the chronic overpaying Washington Redskins this past Friday. Skins owner Dan Snyder has a talent for making big money for his team, and writing even bigger checks. Haynesworth, a 6’ 6” 320 lb. heart attack time bomb, is guaranteed $32 million in the first 13 months of his contract. That’s $100,000 per pound; an amount that should be able to cover all of the food and drugs needed to keep the beast chugging on for the two seasons he’ll actually be in Washington.

Snyder also broke the bank to keep CB DeAngelo Hall with a 6-year, $55 million contract. Even though I think Haynesworth’s excessively violent behavior is a disgrace, and fail to understand why his reputation is so great when no one should have forgiven him for the stomping incident, I am even less sure why Hall deserves the be the NFL’s third-highest-paid cornerback.

In a move that actually makes sense, the New York not-so-Brett’s signed LB Bart Scott to a 6-year, $48 million deal which romantically reunites him with former Ravens defensive coordinator, now Jets head coach Rex Ryan.

Then there’s the Curious Case of Cassel. The Patiots traded promising QB Matt Cassel and veteran LB Mike Vrabel to the rebuilding Chiefs for the 34th overall draft pick. Apparently, there was a better offer on the table.

Rumor has it that New England passed on the 12th overall pick in a three-way trade that involved Bronco QB Jay Cutler going to the Buccaneers (which explains all the talk now about Denver wanting to trade away Cutler). Since Belichick has been labeled an indisputable man of genius, it is assumed that there is some amazing brilliant scheme behind this otherwise questionable move. Belichick believes in second-round picks over first-round picks? Yeah, and I believe in good over great. He must know something we don’t know, right? Or is it possible that logic is just logic and you’re crazy to pass on aces in the hole in hopes that the dealer can somehow give you better?

There’s nothing better for QB Kerry Collins than his deal, being resigned to the Titans to a 2-year, $15 million dollar deal. Well, I suppose his retirement to a rocking chair on a porch somewhere drinking malt liquor and playing some not-so-racially-sensitive country music may be better for Collins. But he’ll be living that dream in two years. His sparse lifestyle allows the 36-year old to be one of the most charitable NFL players.

Not-so-simple man Kurt Warner has not come to a deal with the Cardinals yet. Arizona is offering $10 to $12 million annually. Warner says he’s looking for a ‘fair market’ deal in the range of $14 to $16 million per year. The Christian Chronicals Warner is reading must advise ‘fair’ as something relating to prays to God, not the current market in which groping for an additional $4 million dollars is anything but reasonable. He’s taking a page from Manny Ramirez’s book, which would most certainly be a picture book looking something like this:


To make matter even more mind-numbing, Warner vows he wants to play for the Cardinals or retire. To clarify, his beloved team offering the 37-year old, but a boat load of money as opposed to an ocean liner full of cash may be such an insult that he’d rather retire without any payout at all than be so disrespected. Warner is a Charismatic Christian (that describes the movement not his persona), who believes in miracles, which is exactly what he’ll need to make this work because he is also pushing for the Cardinals to keep WR Anquan Boldin.

I’m still hoping my New York Giants will scoop up a quality receiver like Boldin, but with Burress still on the roster as his legal future still in question (his lack of a brain, however, is not), there may not be a chance for such move yet. Under the radar, the Giants have been quietly improving their already strong defense with three solid additions. Learning from the Burress blowout, the Giants have kept back-up QB David Carr in case Eli decides to sit on knife.

And this is just the beginning of the NFL’s swap-and-spend sweepstakes…

Article also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog

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