On March 5th, thirty-five year old Terrell Owens was released by the Dallas Cowboys. This could have lead to the following advertisement:
Flamboyant, past-his-prime Wide Receiver seeks fourth NFL team to excite and disrupt. Work Experience: Caught passes from homosexual in San Francisco, lost Superbowl due to tired quarterback vomiting under pressure in Philadelphia, and after learning nothing from Bill Parcells, cried for his team leader Romo when times got tough in Dallas.
In-game hobbies include: light cheerleading, sharpie calligraphy, “bird” dancing, mimicking the “bird” dance, mock waiting tables, napping and other talented improvisational acts. Requires a quarterback who will throw to him on almost every passing play, while forgiving dropped passes and excessive celebration penalties after touchdowns. With questionable overdoses in the past, Terrell Owens is ready for the next team the way his agent is always ready for the next question.
There have been tears, laughter, taunting, fighting and promises of popcorn. But with the spitting days behind him, my guess was that T.O. would end up in Oakland, where players go to get humbled.
But I was wrong. A history of four consecutive Superbowl losses did not turn Owens off to signing a 1-year $6.5 million dollar deal with the Buffalo Bills. Just two days into his unemployment, Owens joined the popular Bills, a team that sold out every game last season. The idea of performing to a sold out audience was probably more important to Owens than a good chance to add a Superbowl ring to his extravagant jewelry collection.
“I’m leaving America’s team for North America’s team,” Owens said at a news conference. To clarify to those who are aware of the difference between countries and continents: by ‘America’ he meant Texas, and by ‘North America’ he meant Canada.
The advantage for the Bills here is they know what they may get from Owens. For example, if the Bills get badly beaten by the Jets, they know they may see Owens in a throwback Joe Namath jersey after the game. To prove he’s still creative, after a loss to New England, Owens could be found wearing a Matt Cassell jersey.
Perhaps there is something we don’t know going on here. Remember when T.O. called Favre a warrior and claimed the Eagles would be undefeated if they were led by Brett Favre and not Donovan McNabb? Well, maybe Favre is coming back… to play for the Bills. This would be successful in proving conduct detrimental to the Jets.
No matter what happens, another season of the T.O. show is set to premiere in the 2009 season to an interested audience.
Article also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog