Broncos to Trade Cutler, Winning Record

The Denver Broncos have made their “Franchise Quarterback” (a label that has lost all meaning entirely), Jay Cutler, available for trade.

There has been drama in Denver. Like, serious drama. Crazy shit going down. Big time. This is how it all happened: First, Denver got rid of coach Mike Shanahan, which is completely uncool. I mean, nobody even asked Jay what he thought, and he’s the quarterback! If you don’t ask the quarterback how he feels at all times, how can the man expect to feel respected?

So to replace Mike, which is just so hard to do, Denver brought in this Josh McDaniels guy. What is he? Jewish or Irish? How can someone like that be trusted? Jay had a bad feeling from the start.

And get this, this Josh guy used to work in New England. He was an offensive coordinator, quarterback coach guy. Tender situation… I mean, this could be so good for Jay cause the entire team could be even more based around him with such an offensive-minded head coach. But, it could also be bad. In a big way.

The latter was it. Everything got bad. There were notes being passed around that Denver was going to trade for Matt Cassel. But people just thought it was a rumor planted by the New England people to mess with the Mile High people. Cause where there’s a Bill Belichick, there’s a conspiracy. Seriously. He’s nothing but trouble. Remember, though, Josh used to work in New England… with Cassel! They easily could’ve had a super special bond that Josh wanted to continue. Scandalous!

So now Jay’s all pissed off. He can’t get a straight answer from anyone! And, like, he has a right to know. The team was all, “we do the business, you throw the ball, get over yourself.” I mean, that’s like kinda true, if you’re heart isn’t in the game. But when you’re so committed to a team, you can expect more, right?

Jay decides to take the offensive here, cause he is an offense-based player. So Jay totally ditches the first team meeting a few weeks ago. And then he skips out on the “conditioning program.” Nothing says taking a stand like forfeiting $100K.

But Josh had to get his, you know. He posed for pictures at some NFL meetings in a Jay Cutler #6 jersey. Like he’s into the joke! Like it’s a joke!

But Jay doesn’t take jokes. He wants out and wants out now. This kid is not messing around with any more crap.

He sees big dreams for himself in places like New Jersey, where he could try to inflate his ego even more by following up Favre. He could put the “J” in “J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets!”

Or maybe he could play in Minnesota where his delicate skin could actually be protected from the harsh colder weather.

Or maybe he’ll go to Tampa Bay because they’re totally rebuilding, but with Ronde and Cadillac.

The possibilities are totally limited to maybe six teams. Only time will tell where he goes and if they give him everything he’s ever wanted: honesty and trust.

This is no April Fools… Denver wishes the whole mess was, especially firing Shanahan, but it’s not. Not that I know of.

Article also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog

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