Mike Vick Reality Show

When the going gets tough, the tough get reality.

Fallen star and PETA enemy Michael Vick is trying to be more productive than the average license-plate-producing inmate. He is looking for a reality television deal to follow his life as he tries to salvage his existence once he is released from prison on July 20th.

The pitch for Vick’s possible documentary-style is not as original as his crime. Lil Kim’s “Countdown to Lockdown” on BET showed the rapper preparing for her sentence. In the same theme, T.I.’s “Road to Redemption” on MTV displays a regretful rapper teaching teens to avoid trouble. Any “documentary” of Vick will most certainly be viewed as a mock-you-mentary.

Which network will agree to this monstrosity? Animal Planet counter-offered with the idea for “Bad Newz Kennels Goes Cannibal,” a plan to have Vick’s crowd destroy each other the same way the group forced the dogs to fight each other.

Spike TV and A&E are sited as the best possible providers for the program. But pet companies are only looking for more of an excuse to get out of bad television contracts. “DVR has destroyed us,” a spokesman for IAMS said. “In the future, we’ll use the internet and other more relevant and effective places for advertising than mediocre cable channels watched by those who are tech-savvy enough for commercial-free living.”

Vick’s representatives are the same group of people that have bled him dry of funds after revealing that the only people close to him in life, his friends and family, were using his fame and wealth to lead him to a public and shameful downfall. The “real” Vick may need a show more like Paris Hilton’s search for a new best friend.

BET has passed on the project. “There is a floor to how bad we will let black people look on television,” a programming manager at the channel said, “and that low is Michael: Vick or Jackson, neither is wanted here.”

Vick has, reportedly, already met with producers and discussed a six-figure payout. That means the producers visited him in jail and didn’t think he looked desperate? Didn’t read everywhere about how broke he is? This entire extreme circumstance is only possible if non-Jewish television producers exist.

VH1 is also in the running for a possible show with the working title “Every Dog Has His Day” where Vick works to rescue abused dogs with his presence being an ironic twist to unsuspecting criminals. “[VH1] will give anyone a show,” Vick’s agent said. “If anything, we may not get VH1 because Vick is too famous. When he gets to the Bret Michaels-Flavor Flav age, he can be considered for a show where female felons compete for his affection.” That series would be called either “Doggz and Bitchess” or “Puppy Love.”

No matter what the specific concept is, Vick’s camp wants Vick to be portrayed as a “changed man.” That should be easy considering he used to be one of the most promising and exciting NFL quarterbacks and now he is a broke criminal.

Some NFL fans think the idea is not horrible, “he’s already been through a lot,” a cousin of his in Virginia said, “throw the guy a bone.”

Originally published on April 22nd in Citizen News (Sherman, New Fairfield Edition)

Article also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog and on Player Press

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