420 Special: Stoners in Sports

This 420 we look at sports through the haze of smoke…

Top Stoner Athletes of Baseball
1. Bill “Spaceman” Lee Known to be intelligent and outspoken, the nickname “Spaceman” explains it all. Doing yoga before it was trendy to do so, Lee claimed weed use made him resistant to fumes when jogging to Fenway.
2. Manny Ramirez What do you think he was doing in the green monster? What do you think he carries in that “water bottle” he takes on and off the field? Have you seen the dreds? “Manny Being Manny” means “Manny Being Stoned and Happy.” I rest my case.
3. Dock Ellis The Pirates pitcher threw a no-hitter against the Padres on June 12th, 1970. Ellis claims he was on acid during the game. He was so high that he had been visiting friends in LA under the impression he had the day off when his girlfriend told him he had to pitch a game against the Padres that night. Ellis flew to the ballpark. He claimed catcher Jerry May wore reflective tape on his fingers to help Ellis see his target. No one does acid and doesn’t smoke weed.

Top Stoner Athletes of Football
1. Ricky Williams To deal with his social disorder and shy nature, Williams has said “marijuana is ten times better than Paxil.” Failing three drug tests, yoga instructor and running back Williams has never even pretended not to be a stoner.
2. Randy Moss During a 2005 interview, Moss admitted he smoked marijuana throughout his NFL career “every blue moon.” When asked what color the moon is, Moss replied “blue.”
3. Santonio Holmes A teen drug dealer in Florida, Holmes stopped selling to pursue football. He didn’t really stop since he was stopped in 2008 for possession of marijuana. Doing the politically correct thing, Holmes issued an apology and vowed never to be caught with weed again.

A moment for swimming…
Michael Phelps
The infamous bong picture is just a drop in this stoner’s swimming pool. The ADD athlete was busted for drunk driving at age 19 when he put down the bottle and picked up the pipe. If you’ve ever swam stoned, you know he’s a pothead.

Stoner Ideas to Intensify Baseball
1. Home team must pick mocking music to play for opponents to come to bat to.
2. Home team fans entitled to throw rotten tomatoes at a home team player after a running-scoring error is committed.
3. Intentional walks are not formally allowed. Pitchers must at least try to make it look like they are trying to throw strikes.
4. No pitching changes allowed until end of inning. More pressure, more runs, more problems.
5. Umpires and managers wear microphones that are only on for arguments on the field.
6. Punishment for arguing balls and strikes is twenty jumping jacks in front of the opposition’s dugout.
7. Players must always slide into home plate.
8. When one team leads by ten runs or more, the winning team must use at least six players from the bench and/or have six players play in a position other than the one that they started in.
9. Switch hitters are permitted to change sides of the plate during an at-bat.

What Basketball Might be like if All Players were High
• The fake would work almost all the time
• More steals
• More missed dunks
• More missed lay-ups
• Exactly how it is now

Article also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog and on Player Press

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