Stick and Ball

Golf and baseball have common ground as both are based on a stick and ball contact premise played outside and are canceled for bad weather. The main difference between the two is that baseball is a sport and golf is crap.

Golf… I mean, I can walk, too. You don’t see me making a big deal about it.

Golf seems a whole lot like fetch to me. Except that the player is propelling the object away from himself before he retrieves it. Therefore, other players aren’t really necessary. This is just one of many reasons that golf is an activity, not a sport.

Even on a professional level, golfers are older and not necessarily in good physical condition. Real professional sports are played by athletes with, you know, athletic abilities.

Plus, I can’t get into a sport where the fans have to be quiet. This problem overlaps to tennis for me. As a fan, you should be able to get drunk and/or rowdy, do some heckling, express your opinion. Fans teach children how to care, cry and curse. The most exciting sports environments involve an energy and excitement created and sustained from the crowd reflecting the action on the field.

You’d never see a baseball player at the plate requiring silence. He’s not going to step out of the box to say, “shh! I’m trying to work here. I’m not looking for any encouragement in this process.”

Fans want to feel like part of the game, not sentenced to silence with moments allowed for restrained clapping. Golf claps sound like high school recital cheering… forced and pained with a “get me outta here” feel to it. This does not breed excitement.

Golf should be more exciting, action-packed and violent. They have clubs and getaway vehicles, damnit! And on varied terrain. I can’t even imagine how crazy the outfield would be in baseball if there was sand in left field, water in right field and a hill in the middle.

The only part of golf that seems fun to me is the golf cart. I’d like to race one of those through the sand, around the pond, and over the hills. A whole game could be made of it. Perhaps an obstacle course could be made with the 18-holes. Or maybe just a race… like NASCAR, but with a point.
Article also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog

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