I am Kobe Bryant. I just won my fourth NBA championship this past Sunday on ABC. I’m sure you watched. As you know, I am great.
Perhaps you saw my timely Spike Lee movie that recently debuted during the drama I made in the playoffs by not playing completely incredibly every game so that the other team would think they have a slight chance to win the series, when, in reality, they never stood a chance. Anyway, the film (that’s right, I busted out a retro word for it), was called “Kobe Doin’ Shameless Self-Promotion”, in which my greatness was documented so that you, the casual NBA fan, would understand how I am a father, a leader, and a hero. Plus, I look good doin’ it.
The NBA wanted to send a message that I need to hold my ground as the best baller in the ‘rina by giving up-and-coming-want-to-be-Kobe Bryant, LeBron James the all-mighty MVP award. You know what? Forget the MVP award for a season, ’cause the goal of the season is to win it all and I got me the MVP for that!
Now no one can say I needed Shaq to reach the stuff all the way up there that I have stand on my tippy toes for. I’m independent. I don’t need Shaq. I decided that the year he forgot my birthday.
But, ya know, I’m into the LeBron vs. Kobe thing. Nike has boiled an entire league down to two players, and I’m one of them. My face is on the TV so often that hotel front desk girls everywhere think I have a relationship with them. Someone who can read showed me the New York Times online from their iPhone just like ten minutes after the game. The story that my Los Angeles Lakers (the most popular team in all of sports), defeated the Orlando Magic in Game 5 of the finals had been posted for thirty-five minutes. We had it in the third quarter and everyone knew it. We gave Orlando one game to keep it interesting for the viewers, thank the team for knocking off LeBron’s Cavaliers, and make sure ABC was happy with the amount of advertising dollars they got.
I’m sure that as a fan you’re going to miss me, Kobe Bryant, the face of the National Basketball Association, as I take the summer off to enjoy being the sensational Superstar that I am. I know, it’s tough. Just remember that I am better than LeBron James: you loved me first.
Originally published on June 17th in Citizen News (Sherman, New Fairfield Edition)
Article also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog