Boston’s Beloved Busted

July 30, 2009

Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz are reported to be on “the list” of the Major League baseball players that tested positive for performance enhancing drugs is 2003.

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The Mets are so bad…

July 24, 2009

…how bad are they? The Mets are so bad that Mr. Met is going to replace the Zoloft egg as a mascot for depression.

“I can’t find the Mets anywhere! I looked at the standings, they aren’t in first place. Went down to second place, not there either. By the time I noticed that the Mets weren’t even in third place, I started to wonder how many teams are in the division,” – A Mets Fan Friend of MineNY_NYP0618-thumb.jpg

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The Mets have stunk and sunk down to the bottom of the NL East, protected from the basement by the worst team in baseball, the Washington Nationals.

As seen on Conan, Mr. Met has been trying to commit suicide, but his unusually large head is too large for a noose, oven or guillotine.

Across the bridge, the New York Yankees have risen to overcome earlier season woes and are coming together as a serious team with a legitimate chance to win a title. Always looking to have the biggest and best fan base in the world, the Yankees are working with Zoloft to offer Mets fans a chance to root for a team that is not horrible and doesn’t throw temper tantrums at the end of Double-A games.

Featuring Mr. Met in the role the Zoloft egg usually plays, and using the Yankees as the anti-depressant drug, the commercial would go a little something like this:

“You know when you feel the weight of sadness because your baseball team is terrible. You may feel exhausted, hopeless and anxious. Whatever happens, your team loses and you don’t enjoy the game you once loved. Things just don’t feel like they used to, back when the team wouldn’t blow their playoff chances until the last day of the season. These are some symptoms of being a Mets fan, a serious medical condition affecting over half a million people in the tri-state area. While the cause is unknown (although sometimes genetic), being a Mets fan may be related to an imbalance of natural chemicals in the brain that somehow favor losing over winning. Becoming a Yankee fan works to correct this problem. You just shouldn’t have to slam your head against a wall repeatedly anymore. Only your soul can diagnose how much you hate being aMets fan. Becoming a New York Yankees fan is not for everyone.

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People who like to do the wave, require an apple to celebrate a home run or talk like they can still audition to be a part of the Sopranos should not become Yankees fans. Side effects may include, happiness, joy, sexual side effects of actually getting laid, walk-off wins, high expectations and more home runs. Being a Yankees fan is habit forming. Talk to yourself about becoming a Yankees fan, the number one prescribed team of its kind. Becoming a New York Yankees fan: when you know more about what’s right, you can join the party.”

For now, Mets fans will continue to look forward to football season, only six weeks away.

Article also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog and on Player Press


Pedro Becomes Philified

July 16, 2009

In a move to piss off two-former-teams-with-one-signing effort, starting pitcher Pedro Martinez has agreed on a contract with the NL East leading Philadelphia Phillies.

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Romo Sends Chick into Sea

July 15, 2009

Us Magazine, America’s most trusted tabloid, has reported that Dallas Cowboys star quarterback Tony Romo broke up with pop tart, but never quite pop star, and young botox fan, Jessica Simpson.

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Break for Baseball’s Not-So-Stars

July 13, 2009

As Major League Baseball dedicates a few days to the most talented of the talented in its annual All Star Break, a category of player remains ignored and unrepresented in the spotlight: the weak links.

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