Romo Sends Chick into Sea

Us Magazine, America’s most trusted tabloid, has reported that Dallas Cowboys star quarterback Tony Romo broke up with pop tart, but never quite pop star, and young botox fan, Jessica Simpson.

Just before Jessica Simpson’s 29th birthday, Tony Romo put an end to his highly publicized relationship. Although it is usually a little cold to dump someone before their birthday, Jessica was planning a Ken-and-Barbie themed party (possible break-up reason #1), which would pretty much scare anyone away. jess-simpson-tony-romo-b

Side note: this party was to be the debut of Ashlee Simpson as Skipper, a role she was not eligible until her complete face transformation plastic surgery in 2006.

Dallas Cowboys fans rejoiced at the news of the split. Unable to blame the quarterback himself, Texans took their frustrations out on “Yoko Romo,” relating the star’s struggles to Jessica Simpson. She was not quite the rabbit’s foot for him. In December 2007, while Jessica bounced around a luxury suits in a pink Romo jersey, down on the field Romo laid an egg, playing terribly and allowing the rival Eagles to win (possible break-up reason #2).

Jessica Simpson, who has not done much of anything in the past year, oh wait, maybe she put out a country album… (possible break-up reason #3), but still, she has not done much besides gain and lose weight (possible break-up reason #4), and promote ProActiv shamelessly (possible break-up reason #5), has a reality TV show to fall back on.

Shooting for the new show is scheduled to start now (possible break-up reason #6). The ramifications of Simpson’s first sell-out for TV show, MTV’s Newlyweds, did not scare her away from a return trip to the shameless genre (possible break-up reason #7). VH1, who gives anyone and everyone who was maybe at one time or another possibly considered a celebrity a show. They used to be a music channel, now the closest they get is a rerun of the Michael Jackson Memorial and playing host to a reality TV show staring someone who had two hit songs in the late 90s. VH1 should just change their name to Us TV. It’s more appropriate. Back to the point, VH1 will start airing Jessica Simpson’s new reality TV show, The Price of Beauty in 2010. The show will feature Simpson traveling the world meeting people, talking about fashion, defining beauty in some loose definition between pain is beauty and “Jesus-loves-you”, while taking part in local beauty regimes and practices. Amazing concept, right? She may have come up with it all by herself (possible break-up reason #8).

No word has been released as to whether Simpson was requesting Romo cameo on her televised adventure (possible break-up reason #9).

jessicakisstony

A source close to Romo (T.O.? Nah, didn’t think so either… although T.O. has a VH1 reality show premiering this summer, which is interesting because nothing seems farther from the word “reality” than T.O. himself), says the end of the romance with Simpson was “a long time coming.” That’s what she said.

Here are some notable quotes that Jessica Simpson did say during the course of her relationship with Romo:

  • Simpson told Glamour magazine about their first date by saying, “I had butterflies that you would not imagine. I wanted to puke in the cup holder.” (possible break-up reason #10)
  • “I’ve never dated a guy that was more simple,” she said of Romo to Vanity Fair (possible break-up reason #11), “I’m always there for him after a game, and he knows he has me to come home to.” (possible break-up reason #12)
  • In late 2008, “We are not engaged! Tony and I have not gone to Neiman Marcus. Somebody said we bought a ring there. I couldn’t drag Tony in to Neiman Marcus if I tried.” (possible break-up reason #13)
  • “I was always a fan, in Texas, it’s a sin not to be. But I’ve never been as passionate as I am now. Before a game, I’m crazed, sending mass e-mails: ‘Please pray for Tony’s protection.'” (possible break-up reason #14)

Then there is the world of blonde bimbo babbling that is beyond our imagination. There must have been so many other indecently airheaded comments, like:

  • “Why do they call it Gatorade? They don’t kill gators to make it, do they?”
  • “If we kiss in private and there is no paparazzi there to take a picture of it, does it make a noise?”
  • “I love that Eric Clapton song, ‘Wonderful Tonight’, about when he threw his son out the window.”
  • “I may not be considered a good Christian, being divorced and all, but football playing has butt touching which is also borderline so we’re even.”
  • “Is Jerry Jones the same as Hugh Hefner? They’re so much alike, just one likes naked women around him and the other likes men in tights to make him money.”

Okay, that last one was pretty unrealistic as a possible Jessica Simpson quote because it made it a little sense.

Regardless of what she said, Jessica Simpson showed her love for her man as often as possible. She even dedicated her song, “You’re My Sunday,” to Romo during a concert tour (possible break-up reason #15). tony-romo-thinks-ex-girlfriend-better-singer-than-jessica-simpson Earlier in the relationship, tabloids claimed that Romo believed his ex-girlfriend, Carrie Underwood, had a better singing voice than Jessica Simpson. Because Underwood has both a better voice and career than Simpson (possible break-up reason #16), Jessica may have always felt not good enough for her man. Although Tony Romo has also been not good enough, Simpson probably does not understand football well enough to appreciate NFL expectations.

Regardless of how it all happened, the conclusion was heartbreak. As women have done through the course of history when dumped, Jessica Simpson did the only thing she knew would make her feel better: fish for public attention (possible break-up reason #16) via Twitter (possible break-up reason #17). Simpson Twittered to fans/followes/people who like to laugh at her expense: “Barbie party didn’t happen, but I turned 29 and feel like I am on top of the world yelling I LOVE GETTING OLDER!” (possible never reunite reason #1)

Article also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog and on Player Press

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