Boston’s Beloved Busted

Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz are reported to be on “the list” of the Major League baseball players that tested positive for performance enhancing drugs is 2003.

WHAT YOU KNEW: That there was no way that Ortiz improved dramatically between his time with the Twins and the Red Sox just because he was insulted that he was bumped to the bench.

WHAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW: That Ortiz would have the awkward denial interview with the Boston where he played ignorant and dumb so well that he’s starting to see really legitimately ignorant and dumb.

WHAT RED SOX FANS ARE SAYING: “I dont care that they used, everyone was using them… it was a level playing field. Barry Bonds is still one of the best players of all time.”

WHAT YANKEE FANS ARE SAYING: “Sounds like you got busted.”

HOW RED SOX FANS ARE RESPONDING: “Oh yeah, coming from Yankee fans… how many of your players have been busted?”

HOW YANKEES FANS ARE RESPONDING: “That’s how we know you got busted. Because we know, because we’ve been busted.”

HOW MANY PLAYERS ARE ACTUALLY ON STEROIDS? In a recent survey of players taken after tequila and asked in both English and Spanish, approximately a hundred percent of players budget a tiny bit of their extravagant salaries to be budgeted for a drug habit.

HOW ARE THESE NAMES COMING OFF OF THIS LIST RANDOMLY, EVERY FEW MONTHS? Because of timing. This story was released just one week before the Yankees host their rivals in search of the first victory against the Red Roids of the season. Now the series will have even more hype attached, not that the Yankee fans weren’t going to boo Ortiz anyway, but now it is certain to happen. Oh, and because no one wants to hear about Brett Farve and his addiction to being at the center of attention.

WHERE DID DAVID ORTIZ GET HIS ROIDS? The GNC in the Dominican Republic. Check their website for location details and consider taking your next vacation to the DR: More than Just Beautiful Beaches and Baby Mamas. Remember: it’s not just an island, it’s a lifestyle.

WHY, OF ALL NEWSPAPERS, DID THE NEW YORK TIMES PRINT THIS STORY? Because the New York Times is the best newspaper around and they are, obviously, Yankees fans (especially since Omar Minaya committed career suicide at a press conference on Monday).

IS THERE A VIDEO ON ESPN.COM ABOUT THIS? Of course! And the commercial that plays before the clip is the one for SportsCenter where Posada is walking down the hall and people are chanting “Hip Hip, Jorge!” when they saw him. That can not be a coincidence.

WHY WAS TORII HUNTER ACTING SHOCKED? Because Hunter thought pretending it’s some big surprise may persuade people to think that some players may don’t use performance-enhancing drugs. Or he didn’t understand the question entirely and thought Ortiz was still in Minnesota in 2003.

WHO ELSE HAS PROBABLY USED STEROIDS? Madonna, the American Gladiators, Popeye, and Bud Selig.

Article also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog and on Player Press

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