Plaxi-Go to Jail

Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Former New York Giants star receiver Plaxico “Shoot-by-the-Sweat-of-the-Pants” Burress has pled guilty to weapons/blatant stupidity charge. Under the advice of his top-dollar attorney, the football player will serve a two year term in prison as opposed to facing trial where he would most likely be convicted and serve at least three and a half years. Burress Weapons Charges

Two years prison time is deserved for the 32-year-old with a history of legal trouble. Although none of his problems can ever be in the same league as the ridiculous reckless dumbassedness of strutting around with a loaded illegal weapon (safety off, of course),  his past shows that Burress cares not for petty details such as the law. According to the Associated Press, Burress has been sued at least nine times in the past nine years for issues all in direct correlation to lack of ability to think properly.

The law, however, is a strange and mysterious beast that only few can pretend to fully understand. Fellow NFL moron and criminal, Donte Stallworth killed a man and was convicted of DUI manslaughter and only received two years house arrest. Unfortunately, Stallworth does not live in a house. He lives in a mansion provided by his NFL wealth. Last week, a court decided that Stallworth is allowed to leave his palace to train with a strength and conditioning coach. Not a day in jail. Not one. Zero. Burress deserves at least the 730 days he will be behind bars, but Stallworth is serving no serious time for taking a man’s life.

And, of course, both of these will play in the NFL again. The National Felony League supports “second chances,” which really means, “bringing back terrible criminals who do not deserve the privilege ofthe lives they abuse by neglecting legality, morality and humanity and supporting their destructive ways.” Or something like that.

If the NFL is willing to allow criminals like Michael Vick and Brett Favre (not yet formally found guilty of excessive media prostitution, unjust self-centeredness and inability to understand the word “retirement”), obviously football fans will see both Plaxico Burress and Donte Stallworth enjoying their lives again. Because without criminals, the NFL would only be about sixteen teams. Hooray for discipline and standards!

Also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog and on Player Press


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