They Can’t Lose Next Week

The New York football Giants continued their shameless self-destruction in dramatic fashion by giving their Week 9 game to the San Diego Chargers. It’s not that the Giants don’t know how to win anymore, it’s that losing is just so much easier.

When a team in the NFL holds their opponent to thirty-four rushing yards and has the ball for thirty-seven minutes during which the defense makes two interceptions, you may think the team you’re reading about won the game. But statistics may be more deceiving than they appear.

Over one-hundred penalty yards is a pretty terrible statistic, but there are no statistics for the following offenses: a fake field goal that does not attempt a pass or a run (which is really just a fake field goal formation), inability to score a touchdown at 1st and goal on the four yard line, and running the ball on third and long when you have a Superbowl MVP quarterback under center. football

Being at stadium and witnessing a travesty like the Giants today live and in person makes the already bad loss even worse. For those who believe that a large HD TV in the comfort of their own home is just as nice as being there, I will now provide some insight into the in-stadium feelings that you don’t get on the couch.

  • Every time there was less than five seconds left on the play clock, the crowd supplied the delay-of-game prone Eli Manning with warning moans and groans that converted to a universal sigh of relief when the snap made it in time.
  • When a play is challenged, the reply is not shown on the screens. This always yields to someone asking why we can’t see the play again. I generously take this time to educate the someone and anyone else in earshot that this is a riot prevention tactic. Then I wait for a friend or family member of mine from home to text me what the call should be.
  • During TV timeouts, which take more time than the team has ever spent practicing the fake field goal, Giants fans enjoy casually discussing why every other team in the league is capable of confusing defenses by putting two running backs in on the same play. These empathetic chats may or may not develop into talks about how the quarterback sneak was not written into Eli Manning’s contract and putting in the second string QB for the aforementioned play would take the same creativity required to call a pass play in a short yardage situation. We would all make terrific coaches.
  • During the two-minute warning, Wachovia presented the jinx of the unfinished game by deeming Boss’ TD catch the best play of the afternoon. I do not at all recommend banking with this company.
  • As the Giants set up in the prevent defense, an entire stadium of people simultaneously held our breaths in hopes that this time the strategy will live up to its name. But just like how “don’t panic,” “it’s not a big deal,” and “this won’t hurt a bit,” mean the opposite of what they appear to mean, prevent defense only prevents the defense from defending.
  • Finally, upon leaving the stadium, I saw what looked like a twenty dollar bill folded in half under a seat. Upon picking up what I thought might be a small token of consolation from the event, I unfolded the piece of paper to confirm its falseness by seeing its incorrectly narrow size and printer paper texture. Right when I felt like a lame Jewish stereotype, I noticed several people walking in front of me do the same thing to several more of these wannabe bills that were randomly scattered about the stadium. I can not tell if this was a cruel prank or a very funny joke. Either way, I’d say it worked.

Losing four games in a row is really bad. That’s one-fourth of the season in the plumbing. Fans search for a glimpse of something positive. I thought of the World Series Champion Yankees. My father pleasantly reminded me of the Giants’ upcoming bye week by saying, “well, they can’t lose next week.”

Also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog and on Player Press


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