Guide to Getting Into the Playoffs When Your Team is Out

Bummed because your beloved NFL team didn’t make the playoffs? Harbor that resentment in the offseason and spend the postseason enjoying the more talented teams!

When your team is out, find reasons to root for and against the teams that are in. The easiest way to manufacture false passion is to gamble. Put your money where your heart will be. Las Vegas isn’t going to bailout itself! But if you don’t want to connect put your money where your best guess is, if you don’t want to connect the bank account with your interest in sports, there are plenty of other ways to pick teams to support, or hate. Because hate is fun, too.

Reasons to root for teams:

  • They are playing your team’s rival
  • There is a player or players on the team that went to the college you went to and/or root for
  • You like/vacation in/used to live in the team’s city/state/region
  • They have attractive players
  • They are the underdog
  • They have a star player or team leader figure (default is QB) that you like. Perhaps you’ve grown attached to them through fantasy football, or maybe you just appreciate their lack of retirement/unretirement/media whoreness
  • They play outdoors and you believe football is about playing against the elements as much as it is about playing against the other team
  • Their players talk a big game and it entertains you and/or you believe it
  • The team has pretty colors, maybe even a cute mascot or some sort of design that resonates with you
  • They have the most criminals, and you love the bad boys

Reasons to root against teams:

  • They are your team’s rival
  • There is a player or players on the team that went to the college you didn’t get into and/or despise
  • You dislike/avoid/moved from for a reason the team’s city/state/region
  • They have ugly players
  • They always win and, frankly, you’re sick of it
  • They have a star player or team leader figure (default is QB) that you can’t stand. Perhaps they ruined your fantasy football team, or maybe you just disagree with their political views that happen to be directly linked to their over-enthusiastic born-again ways. On a related note, I’m in favor of separation of church and sport. Thank Jesus on your own time. Network television is not Church TV.
  • They play in a climate controlled dome like a bunch of pansies
  • They talk a big game and it bothers you and/or you believe it jinxes the team
  • The team has icky colors, maybe you dislike that every year the team’s uniform is becoming more blue and less purple. You’re noticing. Does this team think purple isn’t masculine enough? Why can’t they just be purple and proud of it? There are more than enough blue teams already!
  • They have the most criminals, and it pisses you off that these guys are making more money than PhDs when they should be in jail because they are bad people
  • The team’s owner is a crazy egomaniac

If for some reason you cannot identify yourself with any of those reasons, you can pick team names out of a hat, it may provide better odds than you’d think.

Also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog and on Player Press

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