If you have no interest in hurricanes or the Peyton Manning Dynasty, don’t turn to baseball to entertain you right now. Nothing’s going on.
The following non-stories are happening RIGHT NOW in baseball hibernation dormant season:
- The Detroit Tigers finalized a deal with their ace Justin Verlander. 5 years, $80 million dollars. That’s the same amount of money Motown will make as a whole over the next half-decade.
- Grady Sizemore of the Cleveland Indians regrets the half-naked pictures he took of himself that somehow leaked onto the internet, cause women everywhere to decide that “Sizemore” is a description only applicable to the aroused state. The pictures feature the centerfielder posing like an underwear model, which shouldn’t happen unless you’re a spokesman and getting paid. Fame isn’t about showing off even some of the goods without a paycheck.
- The San Francisco Barry Bonds Haters agreed to a minor league deal with Mota. That’s right, a slang word for marijuana is a part of the Giants organization. It may slow the team down, but hey, they’ll be happier. Mota is actually Guillermo Mota, a free agent reliever… which is also a description of pot, minus the free part.
- The Chicago We Never Win team signed Kevin Millar to a minor league contract, with an invitation to spring training. Until there is a minor league version of Fantasy Baseball (maybe called “More Realistic Dream Baseball”), this and all other minor league deals don’t matter too much.
- Blue Jays pitcher Dirk Hayhurst (no relation to Dirk Diggler, because people with the same first name and different last name are seldom related) will have exploratory surgery. Sounds kinda kinky, right? No, it’s not. It’s merely an arthroscopic way to examine his sore right shoulder. Sore shoulder on his “pitching” arm… perhaps the real issue is something more juvenile and immature. I suggest that Dirk cut back on the self-satisfaction and try reading, maybe clean magazines. Do they still make magazines?
- Jose Reyes says he’s ready for the 2010 season after missing most of last year with persistent leg injuries only slightly more complicated than restless for a win syndrome. I mean, restless leg… well, you get the point.
If that failed to entertain you, just think about how bad life is going to be after Sunday. The drought between football and baseball season feels longer every year. If it weren’t for those cute March Madness kids, I’d never survive.