Ron Washington Blows

For a change of pace, someone in baseball got caught for drugs that are not formally classified as performance enhancing. Texas

"You! Get me some coke!"

Rangers manager Ron Washington apologized yesterday for using cocaine last season, something that did not do anything to help energize the team to an AL West victory.

Manager Ron Washington told the Texas Rangers that he used cocaine. Anticipating a need to get out of the trouble he snorted himself into, he offered to resign as soon as he was randomly selected for a drug test by MLB. Club president Nolan Ryan, General Manager Jon Daniels and other officials decided not to accept the offer, because, hey, lots of rich people do coke. The Ryan-Daniels-And More team claims they are convinced that Washington had used cocaine only one time, which, as it turns out, is forgivable. It was obviously a mistake. He must have thought it was sinus relief. That mix up happens all the time.

Ron Washington will “voluntarily” submit himself to additional testing by MLB in the future. Although, “voluntarily” usually means one’s own choice, not the only way to politically handle a situation, terms like “once” and “voluntarily” are used loosely in this piece.

“I apologize for a huge mistake I made,” Washington said in a prepared statement that someone else wrote for him at a news conference Wednesday. It is implied that the mistake is his drug use, but that’s not necessarily what him or his writer meant. “I’m not here to make excuses. I’m not here for sympathy,” he continued. No one wanted to give Washington any sympathy anyway. If he can’t find better ways to spend his money, I’m sure the 10% of population in this country who are jobless will volunteer to assist in  that.

Cocaine: You Can Sleep When You're Dead

“That would be asking too much,” Washington said. Yes, someone managing a baseball team and looking for sympathy is asking too much. “I’m truly sorry for my careless, dangerous and, frankly, stupid behavior last year.”

Washington had tears in his eyes before he entered the news conference with his wife, Ryan, Daniels, and a large number of players. His writer said it was a good effect.

He did not explain why he used cocaine last season, because “I wanted to have a good time,” doesn’t go well in a public apology.

Does this look like the face of a coke user?

“I was in total shock,” Ryan said of his initial reaction to the news. Perhaps he never notice Washington’s skinny physique, active lifestyle and chronic runny nose. “Then I was very disappointed. I went through an array of emotions,” Ryan continued, reflecting that he may have assumed Washington would be socially graceful enough to offer him some blow. Sharing is caring.

According to Ryan, the club discussed accepting Washington’s resignation. But after “a lot of soul-searching”, and possibly some reminiscing, they remembered that finding a manager they like is tough, a lot of people (especially the rich) dabble with beyond alcohol extra curricular activities and decided to allow him to remain as manager. The team had already picked up Washington’s option for 2010 before he used cocaine and tested positive/admitted his drug use since he knew he’d be caught.

“We think of him as part of our family,” Ryan said, likely implying Washington is the redheaded stepchild.  “Just because somebody in your family makes a mistake doesn’t mean you quit loving them. We’ll move forward.” Hugging and learning. The more you know! End scene.

Washington said he used cocaine only once during the season, even though cocaine leaves your system pretty quickly. When asked if that was the only time he used illegal drugs, Washington said, “The drug we’re talking about, yes.” Obviously, no one willing to snort coke is adamantly against marijuana. Twelve out of ten stoners agree. Yeah, man. Twelve out of ten. That’s how for sure that statement is.

No word on when Washington will issue an apology for failing to get his team into the playoffs.

Also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog, and on Player Press

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