March Madness FAQs

Let’s take a look at some questions that come up every year for the NCAA Tournament with some March Madness FAQs.

QUESTION: Where do they find some of these schools? Who’s Rob Morris, anyway? Murray State? Murray’s not a state!

ANSWER: How schools have the audacity to name a school “state” after the area within the state is beyond me. Murray State is located in Kentucky, where a state of mind may be confused with the idea of an actual state. Rob Morris originated in 1921 as the Pittsburgh School of Accountancy, but was renamed for marketing purposes.

QUESTION: Why are there so many white players in NCAA basketball, but not so much in the NBA?

ANSWER: Because white people will always go to college, even if they’re not tall enough to make the pros.

QUESTION: If my bracket ends up more accurate than Obama’s, can I get a senate seat?

ANSWER: That sounds likes a Rod Blagojevich deal right there.

QUESTION: Is it true that they may expand the tournament to 96 teams?

ANSWER: Yes, it could happen. Greed is crazy. “Selection Sunday” would become “Selected Sunday” because any team with a half-decent record would be in. I think they should just add more of the play-in games. You know, where teams like Winthrop and Arkansas-Pine Bluff get to play for the chance to get creamed by Duke. Now that’s fun right there.

QUESTION: Why does Gonzaga make me hungry?

ANSWER: It’s because of Gorgonzola, and it makes you and everyone else outside of Washington and into dairy think cheese.

QUESTION: Why are the scores of these NCAA games so much lower than NBA games?

ANSWER: Because college hoops has this whole side of the game the NBA doesn’t care about. It’s called “defense.”

QUESTION: How did Kansas lose to Northern Iowa?

ANSWER: I don’t know, the Midwest is a strange place full of tall people and farm land. Just remember that a loss like that screws up everyone’s bracket, not just yours.

Originally published on March 24th in Citizen News (Sherman, New Fairfield Edition)

Also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog, and on Player Press

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