In Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals (part of the NBA finals trimester 3 of 3… Finals are due soon!), Dwight Howard of the Orlando Magic was found guilty of sports crime 10-7c, Section B: sucking at free throws.
Free throws are called such because they are free points, all you have to do is throw it. No one will be all up in your face, you have a straight shot and everything. According to Rachel’s Rules of Sports, professional players are generally expected to hit
at least 85% of their shots from the foul line. Harlem Globetrotters are expected to hit at least 100%, with at least one back flip and a somersault.
The star center went 6-for-14, hitting 43% of his foul shots. That’s quite the suckage. Sportscasters everywhere have discussed the positive statistics of Howard’s Game 4 ass-on-the-line performance. But what about the terribly poor shooting that nearly cost the Magic their season and, worse, copious amounts of pride by being swept?
Making this crime especially offensive is the fact that Mr. Howard is as tall as the net.
The Boston Celtics punished themselves for this crime by not putting in their scrubby players just to foul the crap out of Howard. Instead, Howard spent a lot of the evening standing right next to the basket, where he dunked, bumped, & placed the ball right in the basket. He could’ve spent more time at the foul line, where he lobbed, misfired, & bricked his team half of the points he should’ve gotten them.
He will be sentenced to an offseason starting tomorrow, or maybe Friday.
Also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog