Back to Baseball

Now that the USA is out of the World Cup, we can return to our regularly scheduled programming: baseball.

Even though the USA was beaten by the Ghanarrheans, we win in real life.

South Africa is the real winner. They’ll make a ton of money on this whole FIFA ordeal. It’s like hosting an Olympics… set up a stadium, mow a lawn and provide plastic party horns. Good deal.

For many Americans, the loss to Ghana was a victory in that now we don’t have to watch soccer anymore.

Soccer requires talent our country doesn’t necessarily invest the best athletes in. But damn can they run around for a long time! A lot of nothing happens in soccer, though the players are moving the whole time. Team Freedom looked tired in extra time, as they ran up and down the field looking for a fly swatter to attack the vuvuzela buzz. Seriously, why can’t we all agree to mute these matches and play music instead of go through this sentimental soccer suffering?

For $7.99, you too can piss off everyone you encounter

Whoever invented these plastic torture devices must have seen the thunderstick and thought, “that could be worse AND more portable.” Hooray for ambition!

While I’m proposing changes, perhaps the game clock should be counting down, not up. Many Americans who have been required through patriotic duty to be soccer fans the past couple of weeks don’t know how long the game is. Counting down resolves that issue while adding in the drama of impending doom that comes with the feeling of time running out.

The clock doesn’t stop, which is unfamiliar to the American sports fan. Our concept of sports time is one where the last two minutes of an NBA game is twenty minutes, baseball players readjust between every pitch for dozens of agonizing seconds and time outs are an essential element of strategy. The “keep it moving” factor of soccer is a refreshing change of pace… in that the pace is high.

Perhaps considering tackling would also be good for the sport… oh wait, now I’m trying to make football. I’m just too American for this.

Also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog

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