ESPN: “OMG, Lebron Tweeted Something!”

Hi! We’re ESPN and we love King James, the Chosen One, James Christ Superstar. We cover Lebron 25/8, that’s how much we care! Lebron Sweepstakes is the best thing ever in the history of modern sport.

Lebron loves himself almost as much as we here at ESPN love him!!!

In a mere 6 hrs and 58 minutes Lebronathon will hit a critical peak as Mr. James himself will announce where he’ll play ball on our network! The 30-second decision will be covered for an hour. We offered Bron-Bron the entire day, but MLB stopped us. Something about baseball season being noteworthy or something. Not now MLB! It’s Lebron time AGAIN!!! He’s the King and he rules the sports kingdom with a crown, but no ring.

Here at ESPN, we have no idea where Lebron will go!!! The internet is spreading rumors about Miami, but he’s making the announcement from Greenwich, CT near New York, so it could be Knicks. But lots of New Yorkers retire to Miami, so maybe it’s Miami. But Greenwich is kinda near Bristol, the ESPN headquarters, so maybe he’s coming to play for the ESPN lunch league!? The possibilities are endless!!!

This story is so deep that we need to cover it on ESPN2, ESPN Deportes and ESPN Classic. It’s an instant classic. It’s more important than world soccer, oil spills, wars on terror and Mel Gibson’s ESPN style sexual harassment of his chick combined!

NOTE: ESPN workers use better lines than Mel did on our interns all the time. We’d show ’em off but Disney lawyers are super strict. 😦

No face? No problem! ESPN hearts Lebron. BFFs 4eva!!!

Our dream here at ESPN is to get Kobe and Lebron to play one-on-one. OMG, it would be soooooooooo awesome! Can you imagine? Of course you can’t! Who can imagine heaven?

Lebron is the best thing ever to happen! Without the King there would be anarchy… what we do? We’d be stuck with historic rivalries like Celtics-Lakers and *gulp* shorter, classier players… some even white, like Steve Nash!? Ugh, imagine reporting any stories on him? Vom!

Lebron Graces the Cover of Our Magazine - We're SO Lucky!!! He likes us, he really likes us!!!

Here at ESPN, we care about real star lights-star brights! Jay-Z raps about Lebron and Wade! So what if it’s a reference to cocaine? It’s proof that Lebron & Wade are main stream AND have street cred magically acquired through Jay-Z. Oh man, if Dwayne and Bron play together (WITH BOSH!) they could totally rap together. And act. They could have a movie. It coulda def win an Oscar. If it doesn’t, we’re protesting! It’ll obviously win an ESPY (the real Oscars)!

FoxNews says Lebron is a marketing genius. And they are the most totally reputable brand in news!

OMG OMG OMG – This is so totally awesome!!!!!!!!! We’re freaking out here!!!! This is the BEST DAY EVER! Wish we didn’t have to wait, but will def talk all about it while we do.

Fans, blog and tweet and facebook status about this all day. If you have to work tonight, tell them NO! You can’t work. It’s National Lebron Love Day and you need to be watching the worldwide leader in sucking up to sports stuff… ESPN!

Lebron is the NBA and the NBA is basketball and basketball is a sport and we are sports. This is ESPN. Now only 6 hours and 50 minutes til the biggest news in the biggest NBA free agent offseason ever!

Also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog, and on Player Press

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