Jets at Dolphins: An AFC East Sunday Night Story

NBC dubbed Sunday nights’ AFC East match-up between the New York Jets and the Miami Dolphins as Futbol Americano. The Spanish theme was supposedly for Hispanic Heritage Month, but may have been a subtle promotion for some sort of baseball-football Black-Spanish exchange program. Looking for the minority mix up, since baseball has been itching for more black players and there are plenty to be found in the NFL, which could benefit from stealing some soccer fans. Even though NBC showed the score with the team names reading “Jets de Nuevo York” and “Dolphins de Miami”, it doesn’t make Mark Sanchez seem any more Mexican.

Futbol Americano: Mas Interesante de Soccer!

The commentators missed some golden opportunities in this game. The following are some lines that I would’ve liked to hear:

  • “Antonio Cromartie sure knows how to cover those receivers! Too bad he can’t cover his himself. Let’s take a look at his procreation line. He’s 8 from 6, 500k CSP. That’s eight children from six different mothers, $500,000 child support payments. He’s started his own charity for kids!”
  • “Braylon Edwards got to that ball down faster than he coulda got a cab Tuesday morning!” or “Edwards ran that down faster than a drunk driver” or “Edwards went over that defender like he was above the law!”
  • “With Rex Ryan and Tony Sparano as the coaches in this game, it’s the Battle of the Incredible Shrinking Fat Asses! Brought to you by the Lap Band, Coaches addition. Because you should live longer than your players!”
  • “Rex Ryan has been criticized for frequently using profanities. In related news, our rival CBS just premiered a show called, $h*! My Dad Says. Perhaps it’s time to embrace the changing language in our world. Now back to Futbol Americano on NBC!”
  • “We’re broadcasting live from Sun Life Stadium, a venue whose name has changed as many times in the past five years as Jason Taylor has changed teams!”
  • “After a victory like this, you best be believing that Rex Ryan’s post-game speech will end with, Let’s Go Eat A Goddamn  Meal!”
  • “Brandon Marshall beats corners like he beats his girlfriend!”

On the topic of Marshall, watching him makes me think of Plaxico Burress, the way he jumps up and brings down the ball. Except that Brandon Marshall would likely shoot his girlfriend/fiance before he’d do it to himself. Plaxico Burress’ shot heard round the club was foreshadowed how the New York Giants have decided to play since that same time period. The team prevents itself from doing well, an absolutely painful sight to witness. On a related note, if anyone sees Kareem McKenzie this week, please punch him in the face. However, Superbowl 42 was such an amazing victory that Big Blue fans can’t help but be happy for 5-10 years, which would likely be a jail time sentence for Marshall if he wasn’t fortunate enough to be able to afford decent legal counsel.

Also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog, and on Player Press

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One Response to Jets at Dolphins: An AFC East Sunday Night Story

  1. Charles Haberdasher says:

    If I see Kareem McKenzie this week I’m running the fuck away. He’s huge, he’s violent, and he’s incredibly stupid.

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