Without football, my Sunday lacked TV time, so for shits and giggles (and I got both), I watched the 53rd Annual Grammy Awards and would like to share my notes on the current state of pop culture.
An evening to make a fashion statement, perform with a random other main street musician or jump start the rumor mill based on your guest choice. The awards themselves are crap, but it doesn’t prevent the evening from being plenty interesting.
- XTina, you’ve changed.
- As it turns out, Usher and Justin Bieber have a lot in common: they’re both effeminate Michael Jackson fans that have captured the hearts of young girls with their pretty-boy looks and moves, rather than actual musical talent. Speaking of Michael Jackson, Usher’s friendship with Justin Bieber seems a lot like Michael Jackson’s friendship with Macaulay Culkin… the age difference is just too much for sleepover parties.
- The cast of Glee gets a nomination for Best Pop Performance on a remake they sang for a TV show? Music has gotten pretty bad.
- Lady Gaga hatched out of an egg, then laid one with that new song she said was inspired by Whitney Houston… like Whitney needs another reason to do drugs.
- Cee Lo Green is one funky chicken. He was like a black Elton John from the musical Avenue Q. It was the kind of odd creativity I like in pop music, when someone has fun being funky. It was a great performance, except that Gwyneth Paltrow showed up to make it a duet. I’ll say that she would not have been nominated for a Best Actress Oscar for that underwhelming performance of an awkward attempt to act like a pop star. Even at 150 pounds, I would’ve liked to see a real pop star with a real voice, like Christina Aguilera in a role opposite Cee Lo. Or, if she promised not to use the laying on the piano move, maybe even Barbara Streisand could have made a memorable moment.
- Train? Really? I heard their songs in the grocery store. They’re so light FM!
- Katy Perry is like watching Disney on Ice. She just wears bad figure skating outfits and is intolerably corny. Her music is so commercial that each song actually sounds like an advertisement. “Teenage Dream” is for Proactiv, “California Gurls” is for The Golden State Tourism Department, “Hot N Cold” is for some lame RomCom (they call it that because it’s short on both romance and comedy), “I Kissed a Girl” is for LGBT rights… I could go on.
- ATTENTION RAP FANS: Dr. Dre is still alive! This means the Detox album might actually come out in the next few months, seven years after he started working on it. Also, someone should feed Eminem… something besides drugs.
- Who is Esperanza Spalding and why is she wearing a dress that looked like it was the losing design in a craft store challenge on Project Runway?
- It is a medical wonder that Mick Jagger can still function enough to somewhat perform. He’s gone this long in his career without being involved with the ridiculousness that is the Grammys, why start now? He may as well stick with the rock and roll “I don’t give a f***” image. Seeing Steven Tyler on American Idol is bad enough, no need to see another rocker turn man-whore.
- J. Lo and Mark Anthony presented the Record of the Year award together in an unsuccessful attempt to show the public that they are happily married. Fortunately, it’s already obvious by the very unromantic story of the two meeting way back, but J. Lo needing to date better-looking moguls and actors before she settled for him when she realized he’d go shopping with her while also making her appear to have more Latina cred.
- Ricky Martin’s manager must be a magician because he has made that man reappear from nowhere!
- Real America won a lot of the actual awards, with cheesy hometown country music in what seemed like a lot of victories. Good thing the awards don’t really mean anything.
- I don’t know what was more embarrassing: Barbara Streisand not knowing who Arcade Fire is, or Arcade Fire being so stunned they spoke almost incoherently.
All in all, there were a lot of hideous outfits, a few revealing interactions, but there was not enough excitement to keep me from flipping to 40-Year Old Virgin more than every commercial break.
Also published on National Lampoon’s The Zaz