Baseball Being Baseball

The Boston Red Sox have the worst record in baseball. #ACompletelyFactualStatement 

Manny's Been Phoning It In For a While Now

MLB is about two weeks through the season. Here’s what’s going on:

Last season’s AL MVP Josh Hamilton fractured his upper arm sliding into home plate, where he was tagged out. “It was just a stupid play,” Hamilton said. “I definitely shouldn’t have done it. I thought Jesus was with me.”

Wamp wamp

Now the Rangers star may have to go back on drugs to recover. Considering his messy behavior “the one night” he fell off the wagon in 2009, this interesting turn of events could lead the outfielder to sharing a room in a crack house with Manny Ramirez.

Envious of the retirement communities surrounding him in Tampa, Manny Ramirez stepped away from baseball. He didn’t want to deal with the new issue under the Joint Drug* Prevention and Treatment program. Baseball’s changed a lot for Manny; it’s not the same sit-in-left-field-and-pick-dandelions game he so enjoyed during his childhood.

*the part of the program Manny believed in

Sneaking out the door behind Manny is fellow 38-year-old, Carlos Delgado (Spanish translation: Charlie Irony). As the season started, Delgado realized he was still with the Mets, so he may as well quit now. Plus, the veteran has a terrific excuse: his hip is in almost as bad condition as the Mets finances.

Reportedly, the Mets lost $50 million last year*, and have confirmed taking an emergency bailout loan from Major League Baseball. To make matters worse, the trustee representing the victims of scam perfectionist Bernie Madoff is suing the Mets’ owners for a billion dollars.

Oh, and the Mets are still paying Bobby Bonilla $1.19 million a year for 25 years as part of a buyout of the $5.9 million the team owed him in 2000. That deal may be even worse than signing Mota after he was issued a 50-game suspension for using performance-enhancing drugs, a Vince Coleman who hit Dwight Gooden with a golf club and threw a lit firecracker into the stands, and the Perez/Castillo deals of late that illustrate gross overpayment at it’s loosest.

*does not include fans’ therapy bills

Two weeks in, the moral of the season is: It’s Never to Early to Quit, Go Back to Drugs or Go Broke.

Also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog, and PlayerPress

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