Portrait of an Athlete

Kazaam!

If you were looking to feel in-shape, you needed to look no farther than to Shaquille O’Neal at last night’s Game 4 playoff showdown between the Heat and the Celtics. He broke a sweat just getting off the bench.

Both Doc Rivers and Peter Griffin have better mobility than Shaq, meaning they have some mobility.

When the Celtics offense was bringing the ball up the court while Shaw was in, they moved very slowly, as to allow the oldest and slowest “active” layer in the NBA to make it into position.

During his staggering four minutes in the game, Shaq fouled Lebron James twice. Both times Shaq was reaching for his relevance/youth/past.

“It’s impressive to see him play hurt like that,” Boston Celtics fans said about Rondo, who was actually important to the game.

Luckily, Shaq’s ineffectiveness was overshadowed by the fact that the Celtics blew a chance to win the game in regulation when they failed to execute a play with the score tied at home and 19 seconds on the clock.

Overtime inexplicably featured more Delonte West than Rajon Rondo, despite the fact that Rondo had a perfectly good robotic elbow under his brace.

Shaq looked into replacement body parts earlier in the season, but since none came with heavy duty lifting capabilities, he was unable to upgrade.

Many believe that the very big man will follow Phil Jackson into retirement. He just can’t run to get out fast enough.

Also posted on National Lampoon’s Splog, and PlayerPress

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