Jailed Burress Freed

Former New York Giants Wide Receiver Plaxico Burress was released from Oneida State Prison today. He spoke to the media wearing a Philadelphia Phillies hat to immediately market himself to a city whose football team that accepts criminals from the Virginia Beach area.

Freed Burress

The kind of inflated ego that fills a man’s head with enough hot air to make him float above logic, reasoning and just getting a damn bodyguard… the kind of cockiness that leads a man to wear sweatpants to a nightclub, allowing for the unlicensed gun he has to shoot himself in the almost-cock… that was the kinda feeling echoed by Burress’ agent Drew Rosenhaus who confidently stated, “[Burress]’s going to be a top free-agent,” Rosenhaus said. “There are going to be multiple teams interested in signing him. I expect him to get a good contract. I expect him to absolutely be playing.”

Despite the fact that he isn’t the one who just spent 20 months out of the loop, it seems as though Rosenhaus may not be aware that, as of now, it is reasonable to expect that absolutely no one will be playing in the NFL .

Meanwhile, the sports enthusiasts over at TMZ, posted that during the search of Burress’ cell back in October, one of the guards said, “Inmate Burress’s room was filthy. I found opened bags of food on the floor, under the bed and under dirty clothes, books and paperwork, mail scattered throughout the room. ”

Well, shit, why not? He’s already in jail, what more trouble could he get in? They’re not gunna send him to solitary for not cleaning his room.

Burress was actually released three months early for “good behavior,” which could be anything from an autograph to a blow job to an autographed blow job.

Also posted on National Lampoon and PlayerPress

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