ESPN SportsNation Statistics

The Worldwide Loudmouths of Sports, ESPN has published data from its featured polls to SportsNation (not an internationally recognized country).

State Shapes Are As Abstract as Polls

Below are the results of a dozen recent ESPN polls.

How do you feel about the Roger Clemens trial?

6% Interested and will follow as closely as the paparazzi followed Lindsay Lohan’s house arrest

62% Completely disinterested, but will suffer through ESPN coverage until finally learning what channel MLB TV is

22% Somewhat indifferent. Steroid investigations were SO five years ago!

10% Filled with roid-rage-type anger, as it’s a colossal waste of effort, energy, time and money that could go to properly prosecuting criminals in Florida and California.

Where will sign free agent Plaxico Burress play this season?

20% Philadelphia Felons

17% Arizona Cardinal Sinners

3% The CFL

77% Wherever they’ll take him

What will you do this fall if there is no NFL?

10% Lose weight

13% Save money

11% Cry

2% Spend real quality time with family and friends

28% Hate the rich, unions and lawyers even more than already do

36% All of the above

What kind of athlete should Will Ferrell portray in his next sports movie?

24% Tennis player

0% Lacrosse player

21% WNBA player

55% All of the above… in the same movie!

How disgusting is the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest?

5% Only disgusting in the bathroom after

6% Only disgusting if an American can’t win. They don’t even have hot dogs in Japan!

69% Disgusting enough that one should not watch when hungover

20% How is this an ESPN televised event?

It's All About the Benjamins, Baseball

Would you pay $200 to see your favorite player potentially get hit number 3,000?

29% Depends, where am I sitting?

37% Depends, how much money do I have?

22% Depends, are they playing the Red Sox? Who’s pitching?

12% I’d rather pay $200 to get Jeter some Propecia. He can share it with Mo.

Would you pay $20 to see the Mets play like the .500 team that they are?

7% Yes

7% No

16% Depends, does that amount include food?

70% Only if there’s a Darryl Strawberry All-You-Can-Tolerate Drug Buffet

What do you think about Dwight “Doc” Gooden appearing on the new season of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew?

12% Happy for him

32% Confused… he can still afford cocaine?

46% Seems appropriate since neither Gooden or Drew are real doctors

10% Hoping he hooks up with Amy Fisher

What do you think of Mets Owner Fred Wilpon’s Candid Comments in the New Yorker About His Players?

33% Good, it gets people’s minds of the organization’s financial difficulties

33% Accurate, but inappropriate considering his position

34% As to be expected since Mets culture is one of bitter unhappiness

What bothers you most about Lebron James?

That's A Lot of Forehead

76% His lack of competitive nature that both brought him to Miami and prevented him from performing well there in the NBA finals

23% His ridiculously large forehead

1% He’s just so good at everything all the time!

Can you understand ESPN considering the broadcast comes from so far up Lebron James’ ass?

23% Yes

23% No

54% Don’t want to

What over-covered summer story most annoyed you?

33% What will Brett Favre do? In general, not necessarily in sports.

23% Where will Lebron James go? Sources say hell.

4% When will the NFL lockout end already? Those rich punks and their inability to be happy that they’ll all be rich.

40% Why do you need to know? So you can cover it even more? Like a story about the one-year anniversary of The Decision? Are you freakin’ kidding me!!?

Also posted onĀ National Lampoon

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