The Worldwide Loudmouths of Sports, ESPN has published data from its featured polls to SportsNation (not an internationally recognized country).
Below are the results of a dozen recent ESPN polls.
How do you feel about the Roger Clemens trial?
6% Interested and will follow as closely as the paparazzi followed Lindsay Lohan’s house arrest
62% Completely disinterested, but will suffer through ESPN coverage until finally learning what channel MLB TV is
22% Somewhat indifferent. Steroid investigations were SO five years ago!
10% Filled with roid-rage-type anger, as it’s a colossal waste of effort, energy, time and money that could go to properly prosecuting criminals in Florida and California.
Where will sign free agent Plaxico Burress play this season?
20% Philadelphia Felons
17% Arizona Cardinal Sinners
3% The CFL
77% Wherever they’ll take him
What will you do this fall if there is no NFL?
10% Lose weight
13% Save money
2% Spend real quality time with family and friends
28% Hate the rich, unions and lawyers even more than already do
36% All of the above
What kind of athlete should Will Ferrell portray in his next sports movie?
24% Tennis player
0% Lacrosse player
21% WNBA player
55% All of the above… in the same movie!
How disgusting is the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest?
5% Only disgusting in the bathroom after
6% Only disgusting if an American can’t win. They don’t even have hot dogs in Japan!
69% Disgusting enough that one should not watch when hungover
20% How is this an ESPN televised event?
Would you pay $200 to see your favorite player potentially get hit number 3,000?
29% Depends, where am I sitting?
37% Depends, how much money do I have?
22% Depends, are they playing the Red Sox? Who’s pitching?
12% I’d rather pay $200 to get Jeter some Propecia. He can share it with Mo.
Would you pay $20 to see the Mets play like the .500 team that they are?
16% Depends, does that amount include food?
70% Only if there’s a Darryl Strawberry All-You-Can-Tolerate Drug Buffet
What do you think about Dwight “Doc” Gooden appearing on the new season of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew?
12% Happy for him
32% Confused… he can still afford cocaine?
46% Seems appropriate since neither Gooden or Drew are real doctors
10% Hoping he hooks up with Amy Fisher
What do you think of Mets Owner Fred Wilpon’s Candid Comments in the New Yorker About His Players?
33% Good, it gets people’s minds of the organization’s financial difficulties
33% Accurate, but inappropriate considering his position
34% As to be expected since Mets culture is one of bitter unhappiness
What bothers you most about Lebron James?
76% His lack of competitive nature that both brought him to Miami and prevented him from performing well there in the NBA finals
23% His ridiculously large forehead
1% He’s just so good at everything all the time!
Can you understand ESPN considering the broadcast comes from so far up Lebron James’ ass?
54% Don’t want to
What over-covered summer story most annoyed you?
33% What will Brett Favre do? In general, not necessarily in sports.
23% Where will Lebron James go? Sources say hell.
4% When will the NFL lockout end already? Those rich punks and their inability to be happy that they’ll all be rich.
40% Why do you need to know? So you can cover it even more? Like a story about the one-year anniversary of The Decision? Are you freakin’ kidding me!!?
Also posted on National Lampoon