Baseball Players in Heat

It’s gotten hot out there – so hot – but some people can’t be gettin’ so hot that they’re gunna take their clothes off. We talked to Major League Baseball players in their double knit polyester uniforms about the countrywide heatwave.

We're Gunna Need More Deoderant

Some have ordered extra Gold Bond, others have been watching documentaries on Antarctica before games to psychologically cool off. Baseball players fight the heat with a variety of strategies as they have a variety of feelings on this hot topic.

“I eat spicy food to stay cool. That and I take my pants off in the dug out,” – Vladimir Guerrero of the Baltimore Orioles

“You wanna know what I do? I switch the satin sheets, I bath in ice water and cucumber, and then I shut the f*** up and play!” – Ryan Howard of the Philadelphia Redundancies

“Heat’s fine. I’m fine with this. It’s like Bikram baseball,” – Jason Heyward of the Atlanta Braves

“It’s like a Con Ed bailout out there!” – Brett Gardner of the New York Yankees

“I’m not saying I miss the Metrodome, but it’s still there so we could, technically, ya know, still use it…” – Michael Cuddyer of the Minnesota Twins

“Weather is nuts. Is this what it’s like in Africa all the time? No wonder they’re not very productive over there. Don’t print that,” – Player to be Named Later of the Washington Nationals

It'll Be Even Hotter In Hell, Where Josh Hamilton Will Be If He Doesn't Stay Commited to Jesus, Nonalcoholic Beverages

“This heat makes me want a nice cold refreshing gingerale,” – Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers

“The wrong fans are wearing fewer articles of clothing, and that’s the problem with this whole situation,” – Joey Votto of the Cincinnati Reds

“Can we start calling them the St. Loser Cock-n-balls? Yes, that’s the most productive thing my team has done all season and yes, I know I have a name that sounds like dumpster… that’s why I thought of this,” – Ryan Dempster of the Chicago Cubs

“Did you hear that we’re tied at the top of the worst division in baseball!? We’re a little over .500! We’re not awful! It’s a new era… they’re my sponsors so I gotta mention ’em ya know, ya like how I snuck that in? It’s a new era in Pittsburgh! Yeah! Wait, ya wanna talk about the fact that it’s hot in the middle of the summer? Not about how this team went from irrelevant to slightly better than mediocre? Man, no cares about us!” – Jeff Karstens of some team in Western PA

“Must be tough to be fat out there in this,” – Tim Lincecum of the World Champion San Francisco Giants

“I feel great… I got a portable air conditioner in my pants!” – Prince Fielder of the Milwaukee Brewers

“Anyone who complains about this is cry baby wimp! And no, I haven’t been out there, so I don’t really know,” – David Ortiz of the Boston Red Sox

“I cut slits in my pants. The ventilation counteracts the heat from the beard. Plus, it shows off my nice legs. I have nice legs,” – Brian Wilson of the World Champion San Francisco Giants

Also posted on National Lampoon and PlayerPress

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One Response to Baseball Players in Heat

  1. toosoxy says:

    Hah. Hilarious.

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