New Fantasy Felons League Measures Players by Arrest, Probation and Jail Times

Expanding on the Fantasy Sports fad, a new league allows participants to draft athletes who score points through criminal misconduct.

If You're Happy and You Know It Go On Parole

With professional athletes breaking the law as often as they break their bones, a new fantasy sports league has been created where points come from the personal drama players tend to be drawn to despite the fact that they have everything to lose.

Of all professional athletes, studies say that NFL players are the most inclined to break the law… perhaps because so many of these guys get hit in the head a lot, or because the NFL still has not considered me for the important position of Motivational Speaker to Encourage Law Abiding Habits for NFL Players.

507 NFL players were arrested last year, mostly for DUI or DWAI, despite the fact that all can afford cabs and/or drivers. Statistics like that, however, show promise for the inaugural season of the Felony Fantasy League. It also means that drunk driving offenses, because of their commonality, are worth fewer points than other comparable crimes.

Seriousness of the crime (i.e. felonies over misdemeanors) or severity of punishment (i.e. community service over only fines) can be chosen as the more critical statistic, depending on the settings… an option that greatly effects the value of athletes like Donte Stallworth.

Yahoo! and ESPN offer this new service to waste time at work. When asked if sponsoring a game that creates excitement and joy over others’ misfortunes, ESPN commented that, “no one should take anything we do seriously considering half of Sportscenter is just tweets from random sports stars.” This isn’t the first time ESPN’s ethics have been questioned and it won’t be the last!

A representative from Yahoo! released the following statement: “Yahoo! is a for-profit company that supplies whatever the public demands and is not interested in discussions of appropriateness, ethics, and other moral grounding that society’s superintendents expect from anyone in any kind of leadership position.”

There is as much excitement as dismay about this new computer competition.

Here are some reactions about the debut of the Felon Fantasy League:

It's Gunna Be a Good/Bad Season!

“That ain’t right,”- “Tank” Johnson, NFL

“I’m drafting the Cincinnati Bengals,” – Martin McFly, Sports Enthusiast

“I wanna f*** up whoever started this,” – Tom Payne, NBA

“They fight the law, but the law has to win… it’s tough to know of all these thugs, who will actually get busted. The best strategy is to draft those with a criminal history, since it proves they’re bad at being bad,” – Dawn O’Day, Manager of Yahoo! League “The Crusading Criminals”

“This is an outrage! Everyone knows athletes are soft inside. All this will do is hurt the feelings they work so hard to suppress!” – Grace Foley, Sports Psychologist

“I’m definitely picking David Ortiz cause he looks like he’s got so much rage that he’d beat up a manikin cause it looked at him funny,” – Jim Bo, Baseball Fan

“I got a ton of money on Miguel Cabrera’s inability to call a cab,” – Pete Rose, MLB

Also posted on National Lampoon and PlayerPress

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