NBA Fans: ‘You Can Cancel the Entire First Trimester of the Season for All We Care’

Commissioner David Stern said that a “gulf” separates both sides in the current NBA lockout. The good news is that the issues between NBA players and owners are metaphorically smaller than an ocean. The bad news is that his term makes the conflict sound like a gulf war.

A Logo That Explains It All

“We certainly hoped it wouldn’t come to this,” David Stern told reporters even though he was, as it turns out, completely willing to let it come to this.

Players have been planning on how to spend their time if games were to be canceled since the summer.

Gilbert Arenas is planning to spend the lockout volunteering at his local soup kitchen, while Chris Bosh is still looking for an offer to play in the Euroleague.

Even the players have agreed with fans that a shorter season will be more exciting. So that’s good!

Meanwhile, TNT is planning on showing Law & Order episodes in place of basketball games. “Substitute with hockey?” the Director of Programming laughed, “This may only be a part-time job, but I know we want to attract viewers!”

TNT is just one of the many aspects of basketball beyond players and owners that feel the ramifications of canceled games.

David Stern: Maybe Not the Best Negotiator

“I’m sorry to report, particularly for the thousands of people who depend on our industry for their livelihood, that the first two weeks of our season have been canceled,” David Stern told the press.

We talked to five of those thousands of people.

“Two more weeks of stripping pays better, but isn’t as good for my acting career,” – Ginger Brehd, a Knicks City Dancer

“They jus’ gunna have to book more concerts up in here,” – Herb Gooding, a United Center Janitor

“Ain’t like I sell too many of these tickets, anyway… I’ll get some seasonal Halloween costume sales job or somethin’ instead,” – Denise Ovshaun, Ticket Sales Agent for the Milwaukee Bucks

“We can set odds for what the split will be, what the cap will be and other such contractual terms. We’ll be fine,” – Richie Greenberg, a Las Vegas Oddsmaker

“I think I can do okay just begging on the streets,” – Horney, the man behind New Orleans’ Mascot

Also posted on National Lampoon and PlayerPress

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