Roethlisgimper Plays With Less Power Than Candlestick Park

Big Ben Roethishamburglar gets a lot of respect and credit from sportscasters and analysts for being a tough, strong leader… the kind that would rape your sister in a bathroom. Unfortunately, while a bum left ankle may not slow one’s rape-roll, it drastically affects the ability to quarterback.

Candlelit Game

A transformer blew up which, while sounding pretty cool, was the cause of two blackout delays during the Monday Night Football game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the San Francisco 49ers at Candlestick Park.

But the park wasn’t the only thing that was dim for this game, the Pittsburgh Steelers let limping quarterback Ben Roehisanklers play even though he moved worse than Brett Favre did when he lost the NFC championship to New Orleans two seasons ago.

Steelers Coach Omar Epps defended his decision to allow Roethisloser to throw three interceptions, since his mechanics were obviously off, because the QB is totally injured. “That guy’s bigger than me, so if he say he wanna play, I ain’t denying him!”

Meanwhile, you don’t have to be a doctor to know that if someone can’t really walk, they probably can’t play football well.

Now He Feels Shame

And Roethisbooger didn’t play well. His interceptions were underthrown and he couldn’t escape getting sacked. Obviously, in this situation, the Steelers opted for twice as many pass plays as running plays.

On the other side of the field, the San Francisco 49ers credited themselves for beating a team that just hates back-ups Charlie Batch and Dennis Dixon.

“We won and this game is about winning. This league is about winning, my job is about winning and this San Francisco team is winning!” Head Coach One-of-the-Harbaugh’s told reporters. “Plus, the owners got to show the world that we, too, need to spend a billion dollars on a shmancy stadium and price out our fans.”

“It was a lot of practice and advice from the other Harbaugh that lead us to victory,” they believed, failing to take into consideration the fact that they played a team that let a guy who doesn’t think helmets are necessary when riding a motorcycle decide if he was in good enough condition to play.

“We went hard gettin’ ready for this game. Donovan McNabb has really embraced his new role as a tackle dummy,” 49ers linebacker Patrick Willis stated before his teammates shouted, “What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”

GAME NOTES: The Steelers could’ve got Luke McCown at the Jacksonville Jaguars Going Out of Business Sales, but opted not to make that purchase… Many conspiracy theorists say that the transformer at the stadium didn’t actually blow, but that San Francisco is simply a dirty hippie place that doesn’t care about electricity.

Also posted on National Lampoon and PlayerPress

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