The 2013 NFL season has been interesting and contained one fewer player suicide than last year, so far. Below is a list ranking every football team in order from which team’s fans are talking s**t down to which fans feel like they are eating s**t.
Fans were surveyed about how they feel about their team coming out of Week 3. The teams with the most confident fans are ranked highest.
Personal Foul Power Rankings are not a real standard measure of anything and serve the purpose to merely mock a sport some enjoy and others are tortured by. If you choose to place monetary bets based on the information provided, please see a medical professional immediately… if you lose. If you win, please send a percentage of your profits via PayPal to email@example.com
#1 – Seattle Seahawks
Because of the team and legalized marijuana, confidence and Washington residents are high.
“This team was so bored beating up on the Jaguars that the coaches let Tavaris Jackson score a TD. Also, let the record state that Tavaris Jackson had more yards against the Jaguars than two-time Superbowl MVP Eli Manning did against the Panthers.”
“The Seahawks are playing so well that it has stopped raining in Seattle. And if it starts again, we don’t care because we have the best home field advantage in football… unless you consider that we don’t know how to play in snow and the Superbowl is in New York this year. Whatever, you probably didn’t even hear that because it’s that loud around here!”
#2 – Denver Broncos
One-time Superbowl MVP Peyton Manning (now with Wes Welker!) has a dozen TD passes already and has Colora-d’ohs thinking they can win it all.
“Peyton Manning is the anti-Tebow… except that he also believes in Jesus. However, this team is so freakin’ good that we don’t even need Jesus! Unless you think that would help in preventing Peyton’s neck form snapping off. Praise Christ!”
“Love me some Johns! Fox and Elway are runnin’ this team to make a run – yee haw!”
#3 – New England Patriots
Accustomed to winning, Patriots fans see 3-0, Bellicheat and Tom Bunchen and feel like everything is wicked good!
“Once again Brady works his magic with some guys whose names we may have to learn and that will be the hahhdest part of our season.”
“Who is gunna take this division from us? Some fish? We eat lobstah for dinnah!”
#4 – New Orleans Saints
With Sean Payton back, the defense has a new game plan that they swear isn’t another bounty program. Any defense plus Drew Brees’ slingshot arm makes the Bayou a happy place.
“This team is better than gumbo!”
“Holy mole-y is Drew Brees a superstar in a Superdome! We can’t wait to play for a championship… outdoors in New York? Well, an NFC Championship ain’t too bad neither!”
#5 – Cincinnati Bengals
Who Dey? A team the city truly believes in, despite losing to the Texans in the Wild Card round the past two seasons.
“We’re such a talented team that HBO begged us to film Hard Knocks and we only let them because what the world needs now is more exposure to Grudens.”
“We have A.J. Green, James Harrison and an Estonian kid. What more can we ask for? Seriously, this stuff is the best we have in the entire city.”
#6 – Dallas Cowboys
No matter what happens, Cowboys fans believe… in Tony Romo. Because everything (including talent) is bigger (meaning more exaggerated) in Texas.
“Dez Bryant, baby! Miles Austin, baby! DeMarcus Ware! How can we not win? Except that we’ve had them and not won before.”
“With Jerry Jones, there is only great success. Also, the rest of our division looks drunk and/or in a coma.”
#7 – San Francisco 49ers
The preseason hype is still alive in San Fran, a place that refuses to acknowledge that Alex Smith is 3-0.
“It’s been a tough couple weeks, but we didn’t get to where we got last year without some drama and if we could lose another Superbowl this year, it would be all worth it.”
“Everyone said we’d win it all, so we will. It’s science.”
#8 – Chicago Bears
Maybe firing Lovie Smith was the right move.
“As of right now, Da Bears are better than the Pack! Print that on the internet, all over the internet! Tell everyone you know! I can’t say it enough – Da Bears are better than the Pack!!!”
“We are ready to win it all for Brian Urlacher. He’s going to be the Tiki Barber of this team.”
#9 – Green Bay Packers
As the third-oldest franchise in the NFL, and the only non-profit, community-owned major league professional sports team in the country, they have to win for the people.
“Our losses are against the only other two good football teams in the league. Cheese and beer!”
“We lose games, but we win more… by the end of the season that will be true. It has to be. I’m not worried.”
#10 – Indianapolis Colts
Fans in Indianapolis want to win this year to show Chuck Pagano that he didn’t beat cancer for nothing.
“Did you see the Colts beat up on the 49ers? It looked better than Allison Williams at the Emmys, and she looked great!”
“No Peyton, no problem. We’ve got Luck behind us and two running backs getting us in the end zone. There’s a decent chance we’re the best of the mid-west.”
#11 – Houston Texans
If the Texans had any ability on special teams and Ed Reed was five years younger, there would be “is this their year?” buzz.
“We are good, maybe even very good. But not great.”
“This team is on pace to coast into the playoffs and then get blown out there.”
#12 – Baltimore Ravens
The Superbowl Champs are the Superbowl Champs, which is something.
“Beating Houston without Ray Rice almost erases memories of the Week 1 loss to Denver. I miss Anquan Boldin.”
“The Ravens could win again, if Flacco keeps snorting cocaine. Unfortunately, a second kid tends to be the final blow to the blow.”
#13 – Atlanta Falcons
It’s not Hotlanta right now, it’s luke warm at best.
“Our team looks great on paper. Unfortunately, the game is played on a field.”
“People are not excited by our team. I’m a fan and I’m more cautious than excited. If they beat the Patriots, I’ll get pumped.”
#14 – New York Jets
All it takes is a winning record to get Jets fans to talk like they actually won something.
“Skinny Rex and Geno are doing it! Spell our name!”
“We won a game even with 20 penalties, that’s an indication that we’re a team of destiny. We can take the division from the Pats and go on to play a Superbowl at home! Wait, no. That can’t happen.”
#15 – Miami Dolphins
Miami fans are treading lightly on the team’s early success. Swimming under the radar is their attitude.
“Shhhh… don’t mention that we’re undefeated! You’ll jinx it! Does it count that I mentioned it? Oh no, I think it does.”
“One more win and I’ll have to consider saying out loud that Ryan Tannehill is good. Oh no, I just said it out loud. It’s over for us now.”
#16 – Detroit Lions
There’s no real hope for anything about Detroit, but at least they’re not a complete doormat. With Stafford and Megatron, there’s something to watch.
“Maybe this is the year we win on Thanksgiving, unless we play Green Bay. Yup, we play Green Bay.”
“Unless the Lions win five consecutive games by 50+ points, I’m not confident. But I can say that we don’t suck.”
#17 – Tennessee Titans
The Titans may be secretly good and there’s no one in Tennessee who wants anyone to notice that.
“The offense has not turned the ball over this season and the media won’t pay attention to us. If it weren’t for the fact that Jake Locker can’t possibly keep this going, I’d be psyched.”
“If this team wins another game, ESPN may have to replace an RG3 story with one about this team and that will be its downfall. If this team loses a game, they will remember how easy it is to lose and proceed to only be able to beat Jacksonville for the rest of the season.”
#18 – Pittsburgh Steelers
From interviewing fans, you’d never guess the team is 0-3. It’s either denial or faith, probably both.
“We’re fine, everything’s fine. We’re gunna rebound no problem. Steel curtain is about to steal wins!”
“This team will not be as terrible as the towels.”
#19 – San Diego Chargers
With a new head coach and new GM, the Chargers are somehow looking like they’re going to have the same results.
“Without Norv Turner, we have to be better, but don’t look any better. Going 6-10 is stupid.”
“The Chargers chances of making the playoffs are as real as Manti Te’o’s girlfriend.”
#20 – Kansas City Chiefs
Andy Reid the Big Red Coach. The blinding feeling fans feel when they look at him can only be negated by victories, and there have actually been victories.
“Can the season end right now? Please?”
“Philly gave up on Andy Reid. San Fran gave up on Alex Smith. I want to give up on this team now, because it’s their only chance.”
#21 – Carolina Panthers
Panthers fans watch to see if Cam Newton will have a career better or worse than that of Jake Delhomme.
“Cam just needs to handle the ball better than he handles the media. Is that too much to ask?”
“If Steve Smith doesn’t die of old age, this team can beat the Bucs. At least there’s that going on.”
#22 – St. Louis Rams
Sam Bradford may be that special kind of quarterback that is too good to get rid of and too bad to keep.
“I miss the good ol’ days when the entire NFC West was bad.”
“What can I say about the Rams? I mean, really. There’s nothing to say.”
#23 – Minnesota Vikings
In an NFC North that is looking pretty good, Minnesota needs Adrian Peterson to pull a purple miracle.
“Of course the Vikings play the Steelers this week in London as to have no fans of the team present for the victory of the season.”
“I pray to you Purple Jesus! Only you can save us from the 0-3 hole we’re in!”
#24 – Philadelphia Eagles
The good news is that Philly has scored a lot of touchdowns. The bad news is that the defense can’t tackle.
“Chip Kelly can make up for Michael Vick, right?”
“The only thing with worse coverage than our defense is Miley Cyrus’ wardrobe. Also, that joke is as bad as the Eagles.”
#25 – Arizona Cardinals
What fans of the Cardinals seem to think is that the team is good for one semi-upset every season.
“I don’t like Carson Palmer and the O-line is letting him get beat up so much that even I feel bad for him.”
“If I say Larry Fitzgerald 100 times, this team will maybe beat St. Louis once.”
#26 – New York Giants
The Giants are playing with preseason urgency. The fans are depressed that their team is, for the moment, the worst football team in town. If it weren’t for the fact that this team has pulled off miracles before, the fans would be preparing for early hibernation.
“I can’t watch the running back scramble to the sidelines anymore. Someone show them which way they are supposed to run! Ugh!!!!!!!!!! If you need me, I’ll be spending the rest of the season watching the two Superbowl DVDs I have from this decade.”
“Big Blue has more turnovers on the seasons than they had yards against the Panthers. All hope of going 9-7 and either missing the playoffs or winning the Superbowl is gone.”
#27 – Oakland Raiders
Darren McFadden is looking like Bernie from “Weekend at Bernie’s” and the fans are as bummed about that as they are about the fact that Denver is living in glory.
“Our shiny new exciting quarterback got a concussion. The beginning of the end is upon us.”
“At least we beat Jacksonville. I’m holding onto that because it may be the one shining moment of the entire season.”
#28 – Cleveland Browns
Young teams can be exciting, but since this is Cleveland, no fans believe there will be success.
“The won after dumping Trent Richardson. If only there was another guy like that on the team they could dump in order to magically score another win.”
“This is Cleveland. The victory on Sunday is one of several to ensure the Browns don’t get a good enough draft pick to really improve.”
#29 – Washington Redskins
Between ESPN obsessing about what’s going on with this team and RG3 having expectations no kneeless man could ever live up to, how does Washington stand a chance?
“Our best player is French.”
“Will someone please charge Mike Shanahan with the murder of RG3? First degree murder.”
#30 – Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Darrelle Revis and Doug Martin are the only players Tampa fans have any faith in at this point.
“Josh Freeman ended last season with 9 INTs in 3 games and picked up exactly where he left off.”
“There’s this thing called Karma and when Greg Schiano decided to hopelessly shove the victory formation he cursed the team into never having their own victories. My goal for the season is to be a more gracious loser than Greg Schiano and it’s the only goal related to the team that can be achieved.”
#31 – Buffalo Bills
Bills fans are as depressing as this season of Breaking Bad.
“Performance aside, they’re destined to lose because the only guarantees in life are death, taxes and the Bills losing.”
“I dare the NFL to actually move this team to L.A. It’s such a miserable franchise, there’s no way Cali would accept it.”
#32 – Jacksonville Jaguars
A new study shows that 45% of Floridians think the Jaguars are a type of Meth.
“They have scored points and for that alone, they have surpassed expectations.”
NOTE: No second fan quote because there is only one fan of this team.