Terrell Owens: “I Wonder if the NFL Thinks of me Even Half as Much as I Think of Them.”

January 25, 2012

Football player and flamboyant drama king, Terrell Owens told his personal trainer that he misses the NFL. After advising to spread the word that he’s interested in playing real professional football again, Owens said, “it’ll be different this time… I’ve changed, I promise I’ve changed!”

Terrell Owens Doing What He Does Best of Late, Crying

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Roethlisgimper Plays With Less Power Than Candlestick Park

December 20, 2011

Big Ben Roethishamburglar gets a lot of respect and credit from sportscasters and analysts for being a tough, strong leader… the kind that would rape your sister in a bathroom. Unfortunately, while a bum left ankle may not slow one’s rape-roll, it drastically affects the ability to quarterback.

Candlelit Game

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In a Season Already Plagued With Injuries, A Fake One Gets Attention

September 22, 2011

Faker-faker playmaker? New York Giants Safety Deon Grant pretended he was hurt in Monday night’s game against the St. Louis Rams to slow down a no-huddle drive. The strategy worked, but now all over the NFL, people are crying about crying wolf.

Grant Goes Down

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Eagles Fire Handicapped, Retarded?

March 11, 2009

Firing people over their Facebook lifestyle is the new cool thing to do, behind lay offs.

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T.O. Rejected by NFC, Sent to AFC

March 9, 2009

On March 5th, thirty-five year old Terrell Owens was released by the Dallas Cowboys. This could have lead to the following advertisement:

Flamboyant, past-his-prime Wide Receiver seeks fourth NFL team to excite and disrupt. Work Experience: Caught passes from homosexual in San Francisco, lost Superbowl due to tired quarterback vomiting under pressure in Philadelphia, and after learning nothing from Bill Parcells, cried for his team leader Romo when times got tough in Dallas.

In-game hobbies include: light cheerleading, sharpie calligraphy, “bird” dancing, mimicking the “bird” dance, mock waiting tables, napping and other talented improvisational acts. Requires a quarterback who will throw to him on almost every passing play, while forgiving dropped passes and excessive celebration penalties after touchdowns. With questionable overdoses in the past, Terrell Owens is ready for the next team the way his agent is always ready for the next question.

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